Just Too Much

We miss our Precious Baby Girl, every second, of every day, with every fiber of our being.  She was such a life force!  With the face of angel, it took one look and all were hooked.  As simply put by her Big Brother, she was irresistible!!!   She has left us and there is a certain emptiness that fills our days.  I like to sit quietly and try to feel her in my arms and see that sweet face.  Church is wonderful for this, that is, if I am ever able to be there alone.  It is a double-edged sword because there are so many memories of her in that place that I cannot contain my emotions and they run like a raging waterfall.

The raging waterfall is an event that Johnny just cannot take.  Seeing Mommy so upset just does him in and he tries to make it better.

Johnny has what the “Experts” call sensory issues.  He does not like loud.  Surround Sound is not his friend!  So it stands to reason that at school assemblies his class used to sit next to the speaker system.  Instead of the logical solution of moving the class, Johnny would wear headphones to muffle the noise.  You know, so he blends!  It seemed to do the trick, thus the year was spent in headphones by the speakers.

A few weeks ago I took Johnny with me for the schools morning mass because his brother was reading.  I had forgotten he told me they were going to sing “The Irish Blessing.”  All who have heard this song can attest to it’s beauty.  Well, this beautiful song was sung at Baby Girl’s Memorial Service.  The phrase “till we meet again” fills me with sadness, hope and tears that easily turn to sobbing, which is what happened that morning.

My sweet boy did all he could in his  Little Man power to make it better.

Like he has seen me do many times, First he wiped my nose, up and down my face.  Then he took said  snotty kleenex and wiped my eyes.  And YES,  that mascara did not pass the water proof test.

Me:  Thank you Johnny.  I love you, you are a good boy!

Johnny:  Sitting back and taking a good look at the mess that was his Mommy,  said the most logical thing I have heard since losing my Baby Girl.  Mommy, I think this place is too much for you.  You need to start wearing headphones!  Now, here, let me blow your nose for you.

Thank you Johnny, you are the best boy.  And smart to, because really, it is all just too much somedays.  Maybe I will get those headphones and better mascara.

10 Comments

Filed under Precious Baby Girl

10 responses to “Just Too Much

  1. Mary OConnell

    Everyone needs a little Johnny in their life if they have gone through what you have. He truely is a special child with a heart of gold.

  2. Lew

    Amy, thank you for the honesty that you pore out on here. It is cathartic isn’t it? I can’t imagine what you go through every time a ‘reminder’ of memory trigger happens. God bless you girl, and I hope that someday you can just think of her and become overcome with joy. I imagine that’s not going to happen tomorrow, but someday I hope all you do is remember that punkin’ and it conjures nothing buy pure joy. It sounds like a lot of who she was was just that.

  3. Brenda

    I just read this post. Love that picture of that sweet bee. Your boys are the best. John has his qualities and they are all great. What a sweet boy he is. He is very sensitive. I can just see you know with the nose wipe…I had to laugh or I would’ve cried.

  4. Nita Cruea

    Amy. how wonderful of you to share these precious events you’ve experienced with those who never had the pleasure of holding your angel and seeing first ha nd Johnny’s sensitivities. Thank you.

  5. Olga

    That warmed my heart. You are so loved by your boys.

  6. Pingback: The More Things Change… | lifeaccordingtojohn

  7. Here from the future via Time Warp Tuesday and loved that I got to laugh and cry while reading that post. We definitely end up doing a lot of both in our grieving, don’t we?! I wasn’t expecting Johnny to say what he did (in your post) and oh my, what a sweetheart he is! If we could only have head phones for those times in our lives when it gets to be too much… What a nice idea. Your daughter is beautiful and am I glad that you decided to begin sharing about her here on your blog in this post. I can see, knowing you in January 2012, how therapeutic it has been for you and those who care about you and your family. xoxo

    • Kathy, I was sobbing and laughing that day. Thank you, Johnny is a sweetheart and most of the time his great compassion is completely unexpected. He is the most in tune to my grief. He cried the first and the hardest right after Madeline died. I agree, Head Phones for everyone!
      That is one of my favorite memories of Madeline in that picture. We were invited to a friends for Memorial Day Pool Party and she put on her little pink tutu and dipped her little legs in the pool. Thank you for visiting from the future.

  8. I absolutely love this post. I have one of those, too … children who can figure us out sometimes better than we can figure out ourselves. Headphones would be useful. But a hand to hold can be good, too. xo

  9. That’s a lot of empathy your boy has there. What a sweet mamma-son moment.

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