Not There Yet.

Yesterday I was flipping through the T.V. and came upon a Jim Carey movie.  Thought I could use a good laugh so I settled in.  It was “Bruce Almighty”.  And it did give me a few good chuckles…………..but in the end it sent me into somewhat of a familiar tailspin.

The premise of the movie seems to be that Bruce is ticked off at God, he thinks he is getting the short end of the stick on the  job, and that he has a “mediocre life.”   If God truly cared and wanted to he could fix all of Bruce’s troubles in five minutes.  God then goes about teaching Bruce it is not that easy and there are things people need to figure out on their own, through their own effort and “don’t forget free-will.”  In the end he learns these lessons and all is B-E-A-utiful (as Bruce says).

I know all this is probably putting a little too much thought into a silly movie but I guess that is where I am.

Now…the part that sent me off.  In the end, Bruce gets hit by a mac truck, dies and goes to heaven, and meets with God.  He then shows God that he can pray, with selflessness, thinking only of anothers happiness and accepting what comes his way, as long as the other person can be happy….and BOOM, the EMT’s get his heart started and he lives, all is well, he prayed and God answered, the way he wanted………. of course.

There are several books around (and I have a few of them) about children and adults alike who have an experience where they die and spend some time in heaven and then “something happens” and they get to come back to life.   That “something”  is that there are many prayers, those prayers are answered, in their favor, and they come back to life.  And this is why, at least right now, I can not read those books.

We did get our prayers our way early on.  When she was 7 days old, she had  to have her first emergency surgery to repair a blockage in her stomach and there was fear of her not pulling through because she was born with a hole in her heart.  I remember sitting, holding her, wrapped in a green hospital sheet, with an IV in her little head tearfully saying, “Please God, I don’t want anything to happen to her.” I knew I loved her unconditionally, but I  go back to this moment and feel it is the exact moment I fell completely, hopelessly,  in love with her.  This was our miracle, she was even a case study, because this type of repair usually needs to happen within 24 hours of life and they don’t know how she made it 7 days.  Our Baby Girl was one tough cookie.

Toucg Little Lady

People are always suggesting these books to me.  I guess I am just not there yet.  “Don’t you feel good knowing that Madeline is an Angel in Heaven, with her Grandpa Ron and her cousins.”  NO! I DO NOT!  Not yet.  Because we are selfish on this one, we want her here with us.  Our arms just ache for that Little Body of Sweet Goodness.  To kiss her little face and get those cute little rasberry kisses in return.

Who me? Taking a nap? Not with someone to play with here.

We want her actual presence in our home and with our family.  We prefer seeing her in her port a crib in the family room and not the Huge Photo of her that is in her place.  Her essence and memory just can’t fill us up.  At least, not yet.  I guess that is where I am to rely on Hope and Faith, much easier said than done.

It seems that it would be much easier to digest books on heaven (and I’m sure I would probably be the one telling everyone to read them) if my prayers on that Tuesday morning in November would have been answered the way I wanted.  And heaven was a place we still just talked about, but without feeling and knowing that my Madeline is there and I can’t get to her.  Because I just want to scream when the Little Boy says he was told he had to come back to this life because God was hearing all those people praying for him.  God had to have heard me?  Right?  I mean I was screaming in the ER for goodness sake.  I was screaming at Madeline to come back!  PLEASE COME BACK!  I was screaming  this over her little body.   But God must have been yelling the same thing in her other little ear.  He wanted his Sweet Angel back as well.

I guess this is where Faith really has to kick in.  Much easier when you have somewhat of a tangible answer as to why your prayers and hopes were anwered the way you wanted or not.  But with this grief there doesn’t seem to be an answer, not yet, and probably never will be.  If it was to strengthen our faith and teach compassion to us as parents and to our boys it seems there could have been a less painful way.  I don’t GET IT!  I’M NOT THERE YET!

I guess this leaves me with Blind Faith.

15 Comments

Filed under Precious Baby Girl

15 responses to “Not There Yet.

  1. My heart breaks for your loss. I’m so sorry.

  2. Jeanne

    Amy, I can’t see straight!….My tears are everywhere and I am screaming…why God, why did you have to make her hurt so bad. I have felt this way about you ever since I met you. When there has been a bump in the road, or a hill for you to climb or a pain for you to go through which by the way seems to be many and enough if you ask me. I get mad and ask why Amy, why again. But I’m with you why this time, why didn’t your screams get answered the way you wanted? I want so much to take the pain, and I think there are many like me who want to help you hurt less. But I hear ya! Faith, I wish I knew the answers to your hard questions. I wish I could give you a sense of peace.
    Thanks for being bold enough to share it, thanks for being strong in the face of fear and giving the uncertainty a voice. Thanks for sharing the screams, the crys and the laughter on this journey to getting it! I think only on the journey will the anwers ever come. I love you Amy, Love Jeanne

    • Jeanne,
      Now you’re making me cry. Thank you for your kind words. I felt in my gut I needed to get this out. Makes you wonder if all those shouting “God is all good, all the time.” perhaps they have been fortunate enough to have all positive answers to their prayers. Becomes challenging to keep the faith when you feel constantly bowled over.

      As for sharine, bold or foolish? Don’t know, but it is my truth and it is freeing to put it out there. Thank you for all your love and support. Miss you. Need a big hug and laugh!!! Love Amy

  3. colleenz

    One great big long HUG . . . . . .cz

  4. Stephanie

    Tears and a very heavy heart for you…much love Stephanie

  5. jim shunk

    Amy,
    I know exactly how you feel I found my son that night and despite all my prayers and yelling and my medical training and my wife working as a trauma nurse. I knew when I started C.P.R. he was gone but I had seen other people look the same way and come back.so as im praying ,yelling doing cpr and giving him the biggest strongest hardest paracardial( hitting them in the chest with the bottom of ur fist to jump start the heart) thump I could nothing was happening then at the hosp as the team there were praying as they worked and still nothing as im putting my fist through the wall in the trauma room then having to tell my wife. Like I said I know how u feel I have what Chelle and I call having a moment where I get really mad or sad then I tell myself he is in Heaven and safe and happy and being loved by God himself,I start to calm down. this feeling u r having is normal and dont let anyone tell you any diff you do things on your own time we all handle thing diff so handle it ur way.
    I wish I Chelle and I could just hug your whole family and absorb some of your pain. we will keep praying for you and loving ur family in this special bond we have.
    God Bless..

    • jim shunk

      Sorry I loss my train of thought about ur big question why werent our prayers answered the way we wanted them to be?
      My answer is because God knows what the future holds we do not so called them home so they wouldnt hurt anymore or to be sick all the time, he did it to protect them is the way I look at it. thats how i have to look at it what else could make sense?

  6. I am here from the future via Time Warp Tuesday and so moved by your post. As a fellow bereaved mother with two here and one in Heaven, I could relate to so much of what you wrote.

    “It seems that it would be much easier to digest books on heaven (and I’m sure I would probably be the one telling everyone to read them) if my prayers on that Tuesday morning in November would have been answered the way I wanted. And heaven was a place we still just talked about, but without feeling and knowing that my Madeline is there and I can’t get to her.”

    Reading that breaks my heart, but also is comforting to know I am not the only one that feels that way.

    I also really appreciate this part of your post:

    “But with this grief there doesn’t seem to be an answer, not yet, and probably never will be. If it was to strengthen our faith and teach compassion to us as parents and to our boys it seems there could have been a less painful way.”

    Amen to that!

    I think so often after children die people mean well and say things like that, insinuating or outright expressing that our sons and daughters passed away so we could learn some great lesson. That might make them feel better, but it doesn’t helps those of us who are left behind trying to pick up the pieces.

    Almost 4 1/2 years since my baby girl Molly died, so soon after she was born, I still wonder why and miss her more than words can ever express. I do my best to continue to learn to live without her, to make her proud, to allow her memory and legacy to live on in our family, to try to find those silver linings… Like you said though, the pain is still there and we will never forget our children that left this world too soon.

    Clearly you struck a chord with me, with this post. Thank you so much for sharing so openly and doing the Time Warp with us this week/month! Heading back to the future now to read the rest of your new post and comment.

  7. I’m here from the future via Time Warp Tuesday.

    I’m so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Madeline (love that pic of her peeking over the pack-n-play).

    It is so hard to wonder why some are saved and why some are not and how G*d fits into it all. I have no answers here and now

  8. Like Lori, I love that photo of your beautiful girl. I’m so sorry she isn’t here with you now. It was so hard for us to lose our baby for three months, my heart breaks for people like you and Kathy, who can’t simply plead your case in a courtroom to bring your child back home.

  9. Pingback: Hope Lost | lifeaccordingtojohn

  10. Pingback: Getting There?? | Lifeaccordingtojohnny

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