No “Gettin Over”

After the chaotic frenzy of getting The Brothers out the door to their school, Johnny and I have well over an hour before he has to leave.  His school has a 9 a.m. start time, which is a real drag with his internal 6 a.m. alarm.  There are advantages though.  Like the finishing of homework that was just TOO insurmountable the night before, which is just not as complicated after Mommy has had some sleep and some coffee.   At this time the house is quiet and Johnny entertains me with his WIT AND WISDOM.  Both of which he has NO SHORTAGE of.

A funny thing about Johnny is that a great deal of the time his body language says, I am not listening to you…………….  I have no idea what is going on around me……………..I am in my own LITTLE BATMAN world, and I LIKE IT here.  Actually, not all of the above is true……………He IS listening and he IS PAYING ATTENTION to everything going on around him.  Especially to me…………

Since Precious Baby Girl, Madeline, has been gone, Johnny is perhaps the most AWARE of my grief.  He will ask, “What is wrong Mommy, you have your Madeline face.”  He informed me this is my face when I look sad like I am really missing Madeline and might cry.  He DOES NOT like this face, it makes him extremely nervous to see Mommy very sad and he has seen a Great Deal of that this last year.  The force of the grief is just TOO great to hide some days.  The days I can’t “fake it” he attempts to soothe me with a nice pat on the back………… which is usually delivered with the force of the Heimlich Maneveur.  Delicate he isn’t……..  My “typical” children just vacate the area until I can “get it together.”

This morning, Johnny and I were bonding over the laptops.  He was “working on math” and I was e-mailing his teacher.  I must’ve had “THAT FACE, because  Johnny asked……..Mommy, are you looking at pictures of Madeline?

Me-No, why?

Johnny-Well, you have THAT FACE, you know, the one…….

Me-No, Johnny I am not looking at her picture, but I love to.

Johnny-Oh!………………then extended quiet……………

Referring to a phone call he overheard a few minutes earlier Johnny spoke up.

Johnny-Mommy, what is a “bad hair day?”

Me-It’s when you are not in a good mood, you are not happy with the way things are going……you know, like when I won’t let you wear your sweat pants every day.  But you just have to GET OVER IT AND GET ON WITH IT.

Johnny-You mean like what you need to do with Madeline and her breathing problem.

Me-(Somewhat stunned) What do you mean?

Johnny-You know………that morning……when she couldn’t breathe…….. and then she died.

(That day plays like a constant tape in my head………so YES…………I KNOW exactly.

Me-(Really wanting to Cry but did NOT)-Chosing my words carefully…………………No, Johnny………………it is not the same thing, Mommy will never GET OVER Madeline or GET ON WITH IT.  Mommy misses her soooo much EVERY DAY.  So no, THAT IS NOT what I mean by GET OVER IT AND GET ON WITH IT.

Johnny-Simply Staring.

Me-(Not letting it go) I mean like,  GET OVER IT AND ON WITH IT when you are mad you can’t have a toy, play with your friend, have your favorite food or have to do homework.  And to EMPHASIZE my point, I added, Mommy CANNOT just GET OVER AND ON WITH IT about your Sister.

Johnny-(Pauses and sighs) Yeah, Mom, me neither…………….

Johnny, I don’t know HOW  but YOU GET IT!!!  What an Amazing Little Man you are………………

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