Sweet 16, Baby Girl

Bathing BeautyToday is March 2, 2012.  I am really struggling to pull through this day.  Our  Sweet Madeline left us on November 2, 2010.  She has been gone 16 months.   Precious Baby Girl was 16 months old when God called her home.  It is crushing my heart to think that she has been gone from our Life as long as she was with us.

There is ABSOLUTELY no sense of fairness or justice when your sweet Baby is snatched from your life,  The hours I have spent agognizing over what I could’ve done to save her.  What if……What if…….plays in my head like a reel to reel film.  That is usually followed by “if only”………….  I know this won’t “help anything” or “bring her back” but I guess it is a coping skill of some sort.  I am a Mommy, wasn’t that my JOB to take care of My Sweet Girl and keep her safe?  Why couldn’t I do it………….. why?

Madeline had a trach.  She got it when she was Four Months Old.  Before we were allowed to bring her home, we were required to do some “medical training” to care for her.  We learned how to change a trach, hook up her oxygen, suction her airway, use an ambu bag and perform CPR on a baby with a trach.  We PASSED with flying colors.  We were deemed “able” to care for her.  Having these skills were  our “ticket” to keeping her with us.  In all the training they tell us how THIS will save your child’s life.  You never let yourself think this TRAINING won’t be enough.  You aren’t told sometimes this IS NOT enough.  Maybe they did tell us……….but I COULDN’T listen.  People would say to us, “Oh, I couldn’t do that.”  To which I would think, “Well, I have no choice, so HELL YEAH, I’m going to “do that”. 

I am left feeling stunned that  no one prepared us that there could come a time………… when all this TRAINING means NOTHING……. and right before your eyes, our Baby Girl will take her last breath, and you will stroke her beautiful, golden hair and kiss her SWEET FACE one last time, and call out her name, Madeline, Madeline, and beg her to come back. Please come back! MADELINE, PLEASE COME BACK.

And after all this training and LOVING CARE I can’t describe the ABSOLUTE soul crushing experience of being pulled from my last minutes with My Precious Madeline to be  “questioned” about her unattended death (meaning, not in a Doctor’s presence).  Moving past this memory might take the rest of my lifetime.  I wanted to throttle that “Detective”.  “Caring” for her was my 24 hour job, and I did it with more love and care than I could ever explain.  But see, Detective, I can’t explain WHAT happened…………..cause I was not prepared for THE DAY when MY BEST, would not be GOOD ENOUGH.   Because within one second of losing her, I knew the pain of her absence was going to be too much to bear.  Looking back on these 16 months without her, I know my first instinct was correct, because it is hard to remember what we did the first 14 years of our Married Life without this PRECIOUS CHILD.  And as the days turn into months, it is hard to fathom how we will continue to endure “Life” without Our Madeline.

There are days you can hardly breathe the pain of the loss is just too great.  March 2, 2012,  has been ONE OF THOSE DAYS.

This morning I went into her room and tried to breathe in her SWEETNESS.  Trying to feel her.  I picked up one of the programs from her Memorial Mass.  Although I will NEVER forget those days…….they play like slideshows in my mind…… I still have to say much of it is a blur.

I opened the program and looked at the First Scripture Reading.  I found words that describe Madelines Sweet 16 months and possibly some meaning:

From the Book of Wisdom

“The just ones, though they die early, shall be at rest.  For the age that is honorable comes not with the passing of time, nor can it be measured in terms of years.  Rather, understanding is the crown for people, and an unsullied life, attainment of old age.  Having become perfect in a short while, they reached the fullness of a long career; for they were pleasing to the Lord, therefore, God sped them out of the midst of wickedness.

See, for 16 months I knew I saw a quiet wisdom in her eyes and was sure I must be looking at the face of God…………….. for she was perfect in our eyes.

You are loved Precious Baby Girl, you are loved and adored, and you were and are……………….GOD’S PERFECT CREATION.

13 Comments

Filed under Precious Baby Girl

13 responses to “Sweet 16, Baby Girl

  1. I am just in tears reading this. I cannot even start to imagine what you’ve gone through. Just the thought of this happening to my own little girl…

    It amazes me you’ve had the strength to carry on and keep life going for your family. Wish you the best for your 3 boys and your family.

  2. peachsun456

    I have done the same thing so many times I cant keep count. I think did I give him enough attention or to much or didnt I trust him enough or to much none of it makes a diff but I still do it once in a while. I remember doing CPR with my other son and brother in the room and asking for help and they just froze I was so mad here I am a medical pro and have done CPR and lifesaving skils so many times and it still didnt make a diff but I know in my heart I did all I can and I have to rely on my faith and know he is home now.
    Sorry if I rambled to much.

  3. Brian

    AMY Your love for Madeline will NEVER be in question. Your pain is evident and I wish there was something that we could do or say to help you through your grieving. Know that Ms M was so loved by all, as are you. May God give you strength.

  4. Amy

    Praying for you, what a hard day indeed. There are no words that adequately describe just how hard that day is.

  5. Jeanne Fairbanks

    amy, giving us just a glimps of your pain causes me to remember how grateful I should be. I want to just surround you with love and care. I know it can not take the pain from your heart. The physical feeling of pain you describe is exactly how it should feel when something so precious is ripped from you. I just want you to know that we are here for you.
    All my love and care…Jeanne

  6. bobbi kravis

    i love you amy. i really do.

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  8. I am here from the future via Time Warp Tuesday and bawling as I type this. Oh Amy, what a heartbreaking post. I recall that painful milestone when Molly had been gone longer than she was here (I counted the time I carried her, since she died so soon after she was born) and it was so bittersweet. You are right, nothing prepares us for things to go nowhere near how we planned or how we thought life worked. When we are young we are taught that if you work hard and try your best, anything is possible. It sucks to find out as an adult, if not sooner, that often that is far from the truth. Watching a child die is something that no parent should ever have to witness, let alone try to understand or have to make peace with. This is such a raw post, but I am proud of you for sharing it. I hope it was therapeutic for you to write it when you did, as well as to revisit it via Time Warp this week. Sending so much peace, love, light, thoughts and prayers your way. I am so sorry your lost your baby girl. Rest in peace sweer Madeline.

    P.S. When you mentioned seeing the face of God in your daughter, it reminded me of one of my favorite lines from Les Mis, “To love another person is to see the face of God.” xoxo

  9. Losing a child at any age is a grief that has no end, it is a grief like no other. As parents we are supposed to go before our children…it doesn’t always work that way.

    God bless you and God is taking care of your Madeline.

  10. As you come up on the one year anniversary of this post, I send you my love and support. What a blessing Madeline was to all who knew and loved her.

    Holding you both for a moment in my heart.

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