Today is March 2, 2012. I am really struggling to pull through this day. Our Sweet Madeline left us on November 2, 2010. She has been gone 16 months. Precious Baby Girl was 16 months old when God called her home. It is crushing my heart to think that she has been gone from our Life as long as she was with us.
There is ABSOLUTELY no sense of fairness or justice when your sweet Baby is snatched from your life, The hours I have spent agognizing over what I could’ve done to save her. What if……What if…….plays in my head like a reel to reel film. That is usually followed by “if only”…………. I know this won’t “help anything” or “bring her back” but I guess it is a coping skill of some sort. I am a Mommy, wasn’t that my JOB to take care of My Sweet Girl and keep her safe? Why couldn’t I do it………….. why?
Madeline had a trach. She got it when she was Four Months Old. Before we were allowed to bring her home, we were required to do some “medical training” to care for her. We learned how to change a trach, hook up her oxygen, suction her airway, use an ambu bag and perform CPR on a baby with a trach. We PASSED with flying colors. We were deemed “able” to care for her. Having these skills were our “ticket” to keeping her with us. In all the training they tell us how THIS will save your child’s life. You never let yourself think this TRAINING won’t be enough. You aren’t told sometimes this IS NOT enough. Maybe they did tell us……….but I COULDN’T listen. People would say to us, “Oh, I couldn’t do that.” To which I would think, “Well, I have no choice, so HELL YEAH, I’m going to “do that”.
I am left feeling stunned that no one prepared us that there could come a time………… when all this TRAINING means NOTHING……. and right before your eyes, our Baby Girl will take her last breath, and you will stroke her beautiful, golden hair and kiss her SWEET FACE one last time, and call out her name, Madeline, Madeline, and beg her to come back. Please come back! MADELINE, PLEASE COME BACK.
And after all this training and LOVING CARE I can’t describe the ABSOLUTE soul crushing experience of being pulled from my last minutes with My Precious Madeline to be “questioned” about her unattended death (meaning, not in a Doctor’s presence). Moving past this memory might take the rest of my lifetime. I wanted to throttle that “Detective”. “Caring” for her was my 24 hour job, and I did it with more love and care than I could ever explain. But see, Detective, I can’t explain WHAT happened…………..cause I was not prepared for THE DAY when MY BEST, would not be GOOD ENOUGH. Because within one second of losing her, I knew the pain of her absence was going to be too much to bear. Looking back on these 16 months without her, I know my first instinct was correct, because it is hard to remember what we did the first 14 years of our Married Life without this PRECIOUS CHILD. And as the days turn into months, it is hard to fathom how we will continue to endure “Life” without Our Madeline.
There are days you can hardly breathe the pain of the loss is just too great. March 2, 2012, has been ONE OF THOSE DAYS.
This morning I went into her room and tried to breathe in her SWEETNESS. Trying to feel her. I picked up one of the programs from her Memorial Mass. Although I will NEVER forget those days…….they play like slideshows in my mind…… I still have to say much of it is a blur.
I opened the program and looked at the First Scripture Reading. I found words that describe Madelines Sweet 16 months and possibly some meaning:
From the Book of Wisdom
“The just ones, though they die early, shall be at rest. For the age that is honorable comes not with the passing of time, nor can it be measured in terms of years. Rather, understanding is the crown for people, and an unsullied life, attainment of old age. Having become perfect in a short while, they reached the fullness of a long career; for they were pleasing to the Lord, therefore, God sped them out of the midst of wickedness.
See, for 16 months I knew I saw a quiet wisdom in her eyes and was sure I must be looking at the face of God…………….. for she was perfect in our eyes.
You are loved Precious Baby Girl, you are loved and adored, and you were and are……………….GOD’S PERFECT CREATION.