I was mistaken

Okay, Okay, maybe I was

Day 5 – I might have been wrong but I was mistaken!

More years ago than I would like to remember, I was a “Mat Maid” ……NO, not a Milk Maid……….no cows were involved…..only wrestlers.  It was not a glamorous job, like say, a cheerleader but I was involved in student activities and that’s all that was important.  Oh yeah, and those wrestlers were pretty cute to.  Anywhooooo………..my job was to keep an eye on the clock and the ref.  When only seconds were left, I was to watch my Dear Friend who was running the clock, when she counted down to one, I was to tap the ref with my rolled up towel.

All very simple, right?  Weeellll, that is unless you  become so engrossed in your big job that you somehow manage to get your feet tangled into the wrestlers and fall into the middle of the championship round.  So, there I was, my not so attractive adolescent self, lying in the middle of these handsome wrestling boys.    Go Big or Go Home, isn’t that what they say.

One can imagine the horror I felt just lying there.  There was no place to hide……let alone run………….. so,  I didn’t.  Lesson learned……………..you do it, own it.  The mistake was made, there was no going back, no covering up, only one thing left to do…………….Admit It!    Uuuuhhhh, NOOOOO, that wasn’t me (I think we covered my thoughts on lying yesterday).  The only thing left was to say yep, that was me, I screwed up.  I mean reallyHOW  would I have ever covered that up.  I get embarrassed all over again just remembering that day.  I can still smell the wrestlers.

Why did I think of this disturbing memory.  What could I possibly be pondering today?  “Do I try to cover up my mistakes or do I admit them?”  Please refer to above mentioned tale.  Yes, I learned at that time, and many times thereafter, to admit to my mistakes.  I can’t even recall any on a personal level I have tried to cover.  I might have tried but it probably became too complicated.

 In everyday life, mistakes happen, they just do.  By owning up to these mistakes, two things usually happen, you pick yourself up and move on quicker, you save yourself a lot of time on the proverbial hamster wheel, running around trying to cover up, and most importantly, perhaps just a little necessary personal growth happens.  Lesson learned and all that good stuff.

Surprisingly, one of the areas I am probably quickest to admit to my mistakes is with The Brothers.  There might be just a couple of times I have gotten on my soap box about school projects, grades, messy rooms, etc.  Many a time it has gotten back to me that maybe, just maybe, I did not have all of my information correct.  As difficult as it is, I have had to say, “sorry, Mommy, was wrong, I did not know……….weeellll, whatever the many things I have been wrong about.

Over the past couple of years this has become more of a reality.  Having grieving parents is no easy cross for a child to bear.  These parents can be unpredictable.  One day they have managed to plaster on their coping face and the next the coping isn’t going so well.  Parents can be so on edge they pounce on almost anything.  There are too many triggers to mention.  In my experience I think it stems from the whole control issue.  I had zero control over my Sweet Baby Girl passing, causing a complete sense of no control and needing to control something.  So I found the three easiest victims.  The Brothers.  I must now try to make everything concerning their lives controlled perfection.    This, as I have been slow to learn (grief is blinding) is a recipe for minor disaster.  Being so on edge, this expectation can cause you to snap like a twig.  Did I mention, it is also unrealistic.  Soooo, I have been learning to slow down, and take a moment to drink a big glass of humility, review the situation and determine if, once again,  Mommy needs to say, “Yep, I did it, I was wrong and I’m sorry.”

I  like to think that instead of just thinking their Mommy is losing her marbles, that this could possibly be a good example to The Brothers.  One, in particular, should take notes.  People make mistakes, anybody can,  but to learn from them, you might, just might have to announce loud and proud, “Yep, it was me, I screwed up.”  Learn your lesson and keep it moving  Or………….quite possibly you thought you were wrong but you were………………… mistaken.

2 Comments

Filed under NaBloPoMo, Precious Baby Girl

2 responses to “I was mistaken

  1. brenda

    Grief is like walking up hill and it makes you tired. Along the way you are tripping over these big boulders in the way and you say to yourself, I can see it coming, why do I keep tripping over it? Give yourself a big break. The brothers will be fine. They have you.

  2. that mat maid story is hilarious. and not because i’m laughing at you. my god, this is the girl who went the wrong way on the basketball court and almost…ALMOST scored 2 points for the OTHER TEAM. i love you amy.

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