Hope Lost

I hope so!  A common response, right?  Often, when posed with questions about our future, without hesitation, we respond, “well, I hope so.”  One asked of our military family, “do you think you will get to stay in the area?”  “I hope so,” is my common response.  If only, to me,  hope were still so cut and dry.

Today my friend, Kathy Benson,  at Bereaved and Blessed is hosting Time Warp Tuesday in which we reflect on a previous blog post.  The theme this month is Hope.

July 4, 2009, I was full of hope.  Our Sweet Baby Girl, born with Down Syndrome and a heart defect, did not even spend a minute in the NICU.  Over the next year and a half she more than made up for the respite with six major surgeries in as much time.  With each procedure I hoped it was the last.  I clung to this hope until one November morning when all hope was lost and our Sweet Madeline was called home.

In September of 2011, ten months after Madeline’s death, I wrote about my hope and loss thereof when my prayers were not answered my way and I was numb and hopeless in Not There Yet.

Almost a year later and I can say I am still not there.  I have yet to read a book on Heaven and have many a struggle with what happened that November morning.  When people say, “Just pray” or  “Our Prayers were answered” I still want to throw something.  Because I wish this pain on them…………ABSOLUTLEY NOT!!!  Not on ANYONE.  But because deep inside I still want to know why?  Why were our hopes lost? Why are we now left clinging to faith?

I find myself clinging to my faith…………and still, some hope.  At least I am not without all hope.  It is just a new hope.  One that I will not realize in this lifetime.

9 Comments

Filed under NaBloPoMo, Precious Baby Girl

9 responses to “Hope Lost

  1. peachsun456

    If you lose hope than what am I to do? and what about all the others that need to hear our stories and share our pain so that they will not take one minute for granted. About reading books about Heaven I have read alot and it wasnt until I had to read one that was required text for me that I got a better ubderstanding and a little more peace of mind.When you are ready to read what im talking about or hear about it let me know..

  2. write your truth amy. just keep writing your truth. your story on hope doesn’t lessen my hope, it helps me deal with my loss of hope at times. it’s reality and anybody who denies that is a stepford wife. in watching you go through this and being HONEST about it, i have the utmost respect. it is a breath of fresh air in a society that stuffs everything and puts on a happy face [especially women, “smile!”] and suffers in silence for no reason other than vanity and ego. you go on amy. you write honestly and i’ll keep following.

  3. I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. It sounds like your faith will see you through. I rec’d a lot of those well meant comments about prayer when my hubby was dying and I was struggling. It made me mad, especially those who told me to pray “harder” as if I wasn’t praying hard enough to save him. UGH. However, I had hope, even after his passing. I said a prayer for you and our daughter before I wrote this. Take care.

  4. Those questions about why these things happen to us/to are children are so hard. I used to believe that everything happened for a reason, but I am no longer able to embrace that theology. I do think that we can tru to find some good in everything we experience in life, including the death of our children, but that doesn’t take the pain away or make learning to live without them easier.

    Thank you for sharing where you are now, since you wrote the post you chose to revisit and reflect on. Thanks for doing the Time Warp again!

  5. I have struggled with my faith tremendously since Jason died. How could our son and his best friend die in a car accident, hit by a drunk driver going twice the speed limit, when I prayed and prayed and prayed for him, for his protection, for his life, for his friends? Some of my lost faith, I think, also had to do with the lack of support and the disappearance of the Christians we knew and felt would “be there” for us. Not only had God deserted us when we trusted Him and believed he heard and answered our prayers, so had His people…at least, that’s what it felt like. Ah…there’s so much I could say about that time.

    Anyway, I think it’s important to be honest with your feelings. Sometimes it seems as if Christians are expected to put up a “happy,” God-heals-all mask no matter what happens to us…when, in reality, we are hurting like crazy. Keep speaking honestly from your heart. Hugs to you.

  6. I remember also grappling with the issue of an all-knowing, all-powerful, all-loving god. I was peeved at that version of god for many years and we weren’t on speaking terms. Honestly, I thought god was a jerk.

    Somehow I came around to a different idea of god, this one inside me, all around me — not separate from me. It took me even awhile to trust this one.

    My thoughts are with you as you travel the path there

    • Thank you. It is such a rough road to travel when you feel like you don’t know where you are going. We are just few weeks from the “anniversary” of her death and so much seems difficult now.

  7. peachsun456

    Ive noticed im the only male here and from my point of view it is just as hard for us as parents sometime I feel it’s even harder because I am the man of the house not to mention the spiritual leader and I am supposed to keep it together at all times and help everyone else along the way. guy’s are diff the way we show emotion and grief and we need to be more open but we are taught it is weak to show emotion as young boy’s and it’s quite the opposite.
    In the years ive had my Parents with children in Heaven webpage I have never had one male post something about a lost loved one. It’s very sad.
    A lot of men could learn from you wonderfull ladies.

  8. Jeanne

    I am touched by the honesty of pain, hopelessness and struggle to see God. I don’t think God wants us to believe in him so that we feel less pain or hopelessness, I think he wants us to believe because he knows we will experience pain and hopelessness. I speak not from the loss of a child but the loss of a lovedone. I am challenged by your sharing to keep in mind that as a friend i am not here to take the pain away but to sit beside you and walk with you. Amy you inspire me to be a better person.

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