St. M’s March

Sweet Bumble Bee

My Sweet Little Bumble Bee.  That is the last photo ever taken.  It is our treasure. 

For two years I have carted  my constant companion, grief.  She never fails to show up, and her presence is unwelcome.  That I have met her and fostered such an intimate relationship is a fact I could live without.   Our relationship is tenuous at best.  She stabs me in my heart at every opportunity.  She thrives on the surprise attack.

I try with all of my might to keep her at bay.  The best I usually do is to remain in a state of a face to face standoff.  I know she is there and I am doing what I can with every fiber of my being to keep going.  In return she stands firm taunting me with each step I take.  I feel that I do a decent job of carrying on.  Some days grief works harder.  Today, she did some of her best work.

Tomorrow is the two-year anniversary of Our Sweet Madeline’s death.  I was prepared for tomorrow.  Today, not so much.

Two years ago, November 1, 2010, was her last day of life.  This is the thought that played on a loop in my head.  What did we do together?  I struggle to remember.  Did I spend enough time with her?  Did I hold her every chance I got.  What about hugs and kisses?  Were there enough?  Is there ever enough?

I remember that evening sitting with her in our chair waiting for her night nurse.  I knew of a little girl with down syndrome and shared the pictures with Madeline.  Telling her she was going to be so strong just like that little girl someday.  Had I only known our someday would never come.  This was our day together, this was to be our final day together.

Grief changed her game on me today.  Instead of how long it has been since Sweet Madeline died, I find my whole being aching for how long it’s been since she has lived.

Today is All  Saints Day.  I went to mass.  Prepared to see the kindergartners dressed in their Saintly Attire.  Not at all prepared for what hit.  Never will Madeline be  5.  Never will she go to kindergarten and NEVER will she march down the aisle to When the Saints go Marching In.

Through my tears I had a thought.  She has done her march.  I like to think she led the March……………the day God called her home.

4 Comments

Filed under Precious Baby Girl

4 responses to “St. M’s March

  1. Geri

    Your baby girl inspired you with this piece…your best work, my friend. God Bless Miss M.

  2. As a grieving mom myself I am very sad for you and the loss of your precious Madeline. Life becomes a time of longing to be with our children who have passed, especially on these really difficult days. I am so sorry for your pain. What an adorable picture of Madeline. We didn’t know the night that our son would be called home either.

    ((hugs))With love and Hope,
    Cheryl

  3. Oh Amy, what a beautiful and heartbreaking post. I love that picture and am so sorry you won’t get to see your baby girl do all the things you hoped and dreamed you would. I love the image of her leading the march. Picturing my baby girl in the afterlife does give me some peace and comfort. That said, the giref and pain remains. Two years is a big milestone and my thoughts, prayers and heart go out to you and your family. So bittersweet to reflect on the last day that your daughter lived. Abiding and honoring Madeline’s life and memory with you. xoxo

  4. jim shunk

    I am out of words, I dont know what to say anymore. I ask myself the same questions and then some. What could have I done diff or not done in 18 years to change what happened. I know the answer but the question still haunts me. God Bless you and your family and know you all are always in my thoughts and prayers.

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