Doing Time

I have a guilty pleasure.  Don’t we all……………..right?  A select few know of mine………… but now I guess I have selected for you, Dear Reader, to be in the know.  In moments, days and hours of sadness,  feelings of hopelessness and in the trenches of grief, I grab my beverage of choice, curl up in my bed, pray for the world to pass me by and turn on the obvious mood lifter……………………..PRISON SHOWS.

I can watch these shows for hours.  I have seen so many that, sadly, some are re-runs to me.  Why???……………….weeelllll, I have NO IDEA.  While I am viewing I consider why am I watching the devil incarnate, on my television, telling, sometimes with pride, their horrendous crimes.  Often accompanied by the hard luck story.

Do I relate to these men and women……………NO!  I barely walk against the don’t walk sign.  Cautionary tales, perhaps?…………. No.  Did I miss my calling as a Prison Warden…………could be.  Am I crazy?  Yet to be determined.  

Anywhoooo…………..my point?  Well, the last two years, without our Madeline, have been unbearable.  There are days  you do not know how you got through the last hour, let alone how you will get through your day.  Grief, at times, can confine you.  Your confinement is the equivalent of doing hard time.  On bad days you won’t even go out on the yard.   Just the day-to-day activities can be a ball and chain.  Grief has you trapped and you see no way out!

You scream on the inside………….WRONGLY CONVICTED!!!!  What did I do to deserve this sentence?  I followed the rules.  I’m a “good” person.

Sadly when you receive this sentence there is no “Appeal Process,  no bail, no parole, no credit for good behavior………………….. not even a work release program.  All you have is time.  And you have no choice but “to do” your time.  Time that must be “done” while serving your maximum sentence…………………….life without your precious child.  No time off for good behavior……………….

3 Comments

Filed under NaBloPoMo, Precious Baby Girl

3 responses to “Doing Time

  1. peachsun456

    That post I did not like.. I had never thought of it that way but then I had a Light bulb moment I have almost said that very same thing a ,million times to my wife. “I wish I could get out of this prison.” Im sorry but this SUCKS thats the best and most complete word I can come up with.

    • Jim, I agree IT SUCKS is a perfect descriptor. But it does feel like a prison. Grief, you can’t get away. Everyone else seems so free and you feel so jealous of their freedom. YOu don’t want ill for them but you don’t want it for you and your baby either.

  2. Jeanne

    amy, your words cut through me.. they describe something that if it happened to me I know I would feel the same way. Your words I hope can give you a sense of relief for time served. “Time” what a monster. I’m so proud of you for putting your honest gut wrenching thoughts and feelings out here for all of us to learn, grow and understand. Maybe someday the prison doors will swing open and you will look back and see the path of freedom that you forged for yourself. love you,
    J

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