“Let’s do the Time Warp Again.” On the second Tuesday of the month, Kathy at Bereaved and Blessed hosts a party in which the game is to look through your blogging archives and chose a previous post in which you mentioned the theme, then reflect on what has changed on your journey since that time. The theme this month is Change.
At times I truly believe that old saying, “The more things change, the more they stay the same.” Except I tweak it by adding…at least a little.
I have only been at this blogging business since May, 2011. My first published post was on May 18, 2001. When I started blogging (at the great and not so gently urging of friends) I wanted to be funny and witty. I fancied myself a modern-day Erma Bombeck who would entertain with humorous anecdotes. Mostly about Johnny and The Brothers. I had always wanted to do that.
The problem…how was I going pull that off when I was only beginning to function a mere six months after burying our Beautiful Madeline. Initially, I didn’t even plan to discuss her death and our paralyzing grief. I wanted people to read and I thought if people tuned into all that, well, they wouldn’t come back. But I am learning you cannot accomplish any goal if you are going against what is in your heart and on your mind. That path leads to nowhere.
The post I chose is the first one I wrote where I mention Madeline. I am discussing how Johnny is helping me cope with missing her. It is rightfully entitled, “Just Too Much”.
Going back through my archives this what not initially my choice for this Time Warp, but when I read through I changed my plan midstream. I read “Just Too Much” and couldn’t believe I wrote it. Yes, the Johnny anecdote is one thing. What struck me was the somewhat nonchalant tone I took when writing about Madeline and that experience that day. It sounds so restrained and sterile…detached. Because, believe me, I was there, that was NOT quiet sobbing.
I think when I started this blog I was so focused on what direction I thought I was taking my writing. The path that would save me. The path that would put a band aid on what wasn’t broken and let me escape my own nightmare. But somewhere on this path I discovered it was leading me in the wrong direction. And I couldn’t keep up the dueling personalities any longer.
Today I like the path my blog is taking. Life According to John is now reflects only ONE me. The real me. The me that likes a good belly laugh, especially at the absurd and most especially at the everyday absurd that is the chaos of my home. But it also is the me that still longs and aches daily for Madeline…that still chokes back tears when everything seems to be too much.
And now when it is just too much I dump it one here and each time I write about Madeline… her life and our life without her…I know I am taking a just one more step, a very small step, on the path to Just Right.