Tag Archives: funny mom

Friday Fun – That’s Entertainment

Not to date myself, but what is that Loverboy use to sing about?  Everybody’s Working for the Weekend?  Yeah, that’s the one.  Get everybody all pumped and ready to rock.  Uuuhhh, I DO NOT talk like this, EVER, but seems like the right attitude for some much-needed Friday Fun!  Plus it makes me sound kind of “hip”.  Alas, I know that not to be true as my Dear Niece was kind enough to point out…the quickest way to know you ARE NOT “hip” is to, in fact, use the word, “hip.”  And since all of the “Adults” I keep company with also spend their days with 5 to 13 year olds, taking groups of 30 parochial school children to Stations of the Cross, we might be working at a “hipster” deficit.  Plus a few such friends were last seen wearing Dr. Seuss hats in honor of the Beloved Author’s birthday, so we  got that going for us…

But the week got off to a Rockin start.  There I was, my head soaring in the clouds, still not down from the excitement of being cast in the 2013 DC – Listen to Your Mother show.  Thinking, THIS IS IT!!  Things are coming around, I can’t believe my luck.  Gonna start a whole new lifestyle, you know red carpets, paparrazi…restaurants that take reservations.  I got so full of this idea I even had a photographer take my picture.  Well, actually, I had to send one in for the “show”and when you are a Mom, you don’t ever really have a picture of yourself.  At least one that won’t scare the general population.

But my point, I actually had somewhat of a photo session.  Yep, fancy lighting, flashing the pearly whites, striking a pose.  Definitely, a new beginning…

AND THEN…IT HAPPENED…REALITY…CRASHING DOWN.

Because just as soon as I finished striking a pose, I had to hurry, put on my practical corduroy’s, and hull myself over to “the school” to do some emergency substitute “teaching” in Kindergarten.  Nothing brings you down to reality faster than getting 30 five-year olds to the bathroom, hands washed, divided into 2 groups, art bags in hand, to go to “art” and “computer.”  Followed by teaching the “horrors” of not taking care on one’s teeth.  Really, it’s a priceless experience.  Especially when you are privy to such tidbits as “Little Billy” telling me he had just had his “privates x-rayed” at the Doctor, and “everything was OK, good job!”  The only thing better was hearing him repeat this to every other adult in the school.  That, Dear Readers is entertainment you can’t get just anywhere.  So, I best not disclose the location, or you will all be beatin down the door, trying to steal my job.  You know you want to.

That fun is only followed by the “how many kids can you fit in an Expedition” game.  At least I had all the “right” kids this time…take note…make sure you have the “right” kids in your car…don’t ask, just trust me on that. “How did a nail get in the tire?” of said Expedition, not such a fun game,   Would have filled you in earlier in the week but had  received a series of e-mails from “The Teacher” that the “The Little Brother” was melting down like a block of ice on a hot summer day at school.  Last seen sobbing his way into  Spanish.  Wonder if Kelly Rippa has days like this?

But it gets more real…the real low light..BANNED… from a 7th grade school function.  Yep, you read correctly, The Big Brother did not want the honor of my presence at the Science Fair.  Turns out I make him nervous.  I respected his wishes and slid in the back door.  Hey, I’m not missing this, I laid low…the Nikon hanging around my neck wasn’t too obvious.  And I never yelled, THAT’S MY BABY BOY…not once.  So, yay me!

To round out my week, I spent Dr. Seuss’s birthday in 3rd grade.  No birthday cake,  to be had, bummer.  But I learned a couple of lessons.  First, NEVER let the last kid in line close the door before you check the lock, cause it is zero fun to be locked out of a room with 30 kids.  And Second, never question why Little Bobby was chasing Little Suzie across the room while throwing her folder…cause you just might start to follow the logic…and that would be frightening.  So carry on, Little Bobby…I saw nothin.

In the meantime, while Little Bobby and Suzie are going about their business, let’s get to the point.  Friday Fun  with Hilary at Feeling Beachie.  Thanks for hosting, Hilary.  I’ll make sure Bobby and Suzy don’t throw things at this here party!

Here is what the party people are wanting to know!

This week’s statements:
1. Sometimes I ___ I am ___
2. When I wear ___ I feel ____
3. When in doubt, _____________
4. The easiest way to ______________ is to ___________.

My answers to the party people:

1.  Sometimes I am shocked to look up and find that I am NOT being followed by candid camera. (yeah, that dates me!)

2.  When I wear practical corduroy I feel sure that modeling contract is pretty much NEVER going to happen.

3.  When in doubt, wear corduroy.

4.  The easiest way to get your head out of the clouds is to have reality hit you on top of it.

Besides, who needs Red Carpets when you got Substitute Teaching…Now THAT’S Entertainment, right there!  Happy Friday…Have a drink on me and may your corduroy be snappy and shoes not too sensible.

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Cause I’m YOUR Mom…

...AND I SAID SO!

…AND I SAID SO!

Monday, Monday, Monday…What have you done for me lately? Except for that familiar feeling of screws being tightened really, really tight on either side of my head, I would have to say…NOTHING! But in all fairness, I don’t know who can claim the clamp on the screws, Monday or The Brothers.   They all are excellent handymen!  Very adept with the ol’ screwdriver, that’s for sure!

Depends on the Monday and which Brother, I suppose. Since everything is supposed to be all equal and no one EVER feeling left out I BLAME ALL OF THEM!!!! Cause that’s the kind of stand up Mom I am.

The screw began to turn slightly last night when Little Brother, wouldn’t stop his Irish jig and dropped my Kindle Fire HD on the ceramic tile…not a good combo;

Big Brother took his turn on the screws with the Science Fair project that won’t go away and Oh by the way, apparently points are deducted if you do ANYTHING other than the day before. Guess he’ll have an A Plus.

We’ll have plenty of time to discuss as he burns the midnight oil studying for a test he discovered at 9:00 p.m.  Guess penalties also apply for any early test preparation.  He’s really adding up some extra credit in the last minute, fly by the seat of my pants, make my mother scream category…I think that should be added to the grade card…then my boy can be creme de la creme.  Oh and Big Brother, thanks for that, that one screw was getting a little lose, so the tighter the better, I say.

And then there’s my Johnny, what would we do without my Johnny..I might just have to say he gave those screws on final, really tight go. Because we just can’t stay away…there we were… RELIGION Class!!!

I guess Johnny got wind of today’s events at the Vatican, because he tried to jump on the Pope’s Bandwagon to announce…”I want out of this program…I don’t think it’s my thing.”

Yeah, well, I DO…cause I didn’t schlepp you and your brothers to Mass every Sunday for nothing.  And I don’t really care what the Pope’s Mommy let him do, but as for me,  I still got some sacraments coming my way. So guess, what, Johnny? The Pope… he may be getting out, but YOU?…YOU’RE NOT!!!!

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Friday Fun – Problem is…

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It’s that time again, Friday Four Fill-In Fun with Hilary at Feeling Beachie…to add to the fun, I get to be the co-host this week.  I’ve always wanted to be a co-host, like being Kelley Rippa or Hoda.  Problem…don’t know if Hilary wants to be Regis or Kathie Lee.  Another problem, Regis isn’t even around now so technically SHE  would be Kelley Rippa and I would be Michael Strayhan.  Further problem…I’m a LOT shorter than Michael and I spent a great deal of time being big and pregnant with braces so as NOT to have a gap in my teeth.  What do I have to show for it…NOTHING!!!  Weeellll…my teeth don’t look so bad, but fame and fortune have, as of yet, have been elusive.

And the REALLY, REALLY Big Problem…you get what you pay for!!!  See, I went for the budget version of blogging and I cannot get “linked-up”.  It feels like a childhood nightmare come true.  An adult blogging version of I went to school naked or didn’t study for a test, or slept through finals.

Being as I HAVE experienced much greater problems than this, I am trying to keep perspective, but feel a little like the nightmare where I am screaming and NO ONE can hear me.  Which is pretty true, since I am visibly stressed out and The Brothers have the nerve to still expect dinner.  I’m also pretty sure, teacher’s won’t buy “Mommy couldn’t get linked up” for a home-work excuse.

And for more fun…Johnny has McDonald’s on the brain and is repeatedly asking for a cheeseburger and shake.  And when I say REPEATEDLY that is a gross understatement.  Nothing says persistent like some slight (ha-ha) autism and a little OCD.  YAY me!

Anywhoooo…despite my technical difficulties, I am excited to have my first Co-Hosting gig, Thanks, Hilary.

This week’s statements:
1. I was probably the only kid in the world who ____
2. ____ is my favorite juice
3. I never thought I would____until I___
4. I have always wanted to_____ but_____

What I think…
1. I was probably the only kid in the world who hated arts and crafts, probably why I have a bin of half-finished crochet projects.
2.  Pink Grapefruit is my favorite juice
3. I never thought I would scream and swear at people until I became Madeline’s Mom and it became necessary.
4. I have always wanted to go to Paris but have yet to ever leave the country.  I know, what kind of Military Spouse am I?

Well, there you have it!  Thank you for listening to my problems, since I can’t get to Happy Hour to tell my Bartender.  Happy Friday!  Have a Drink on Me!

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Cape, please…

super sub teacherCareer woman…that’s me!  I have an illustrious career as a SUBSTITUTE TEACHER.  In the Catholic School, no less, so you KNOW I am making some pretty big bank.  Making bank–makes me sound pretty cool, huh?  Except the fact that I just used the word cool, pretty much clues you into the fact that I–am NOT!  I am okay with that…really.  I gave up that ghostlong time ago.  That…and any clothing item with the word skinny included.

Why, Substitute teaching?  Weelll, I kind of like it.  You’re like a Super Hero.  Coming in and saving the day, and the school, from potential chaos and collapse when Mrs. Regular Teacher has a sudden emergency.  You get to slap on your temporary I.D., sensible shoes, practical outfit, hop into your Super Hero Mini-Van and you are off to save the day.  Oh yeah, and shape and model young minds.  That took it a little far, huh?

Actually, I have learned A LOT substitute teaching.  Like,  I can think on my feet like nobodies business.  For example, the day the music teacher left lesson plans that called for an I-Pad.  Uh, problem, not an I-Pad to be found.  Solution…talent show.  Those kids are NOT shy.  Just have to remember next time to set better ground rules.  No hand springs or jokes that begin with…”So, these 2 guys went into a bar.”  But impressive talent.  Note to self, get The Brothers piano lessons.

And those notes the teachers leave to tell me who is line leader, etc.  Totally, not necessary.   I sub a lot in first grade and kindergarten.  Those kiddos are power-hungry and control freaks.  They give me that info before we walk through the door.

Lesson number TWO… I wish I would have paid better attention in math class.  Although I can think on my feet, it stinks when I have to use it to cover up that potentially 80% of the room knows way more than I do.

Oh yeah, and if anybody wants my opinion, technology is over-rated.  The smart board, weelll, turns out that stands for you have to be really smart to use it in the first place.  I had a student try to comfort me with the fact that, “It’s okay, my Mom had to go to a 2-day class to learn to use it.”  Thanks, kid.  I say, BRING BACK THE CHALK BOARD!  Those kids LOVE jobs.  If they think line leader is where it is at, they haven’t lived until they have cleaned erasers.

Also, the chalk board never requires a new bulb or a password that I can never remember.  Plus I have to admit, I love writing on a chalkboard.

Catholic school or not, those kids are a rough crowd.  You screw up once, and they are ALL OVER YOU!!  THAT’S NOT HOW MRS. REGULAR TEACHER DOES IT!!  “Yeah, well, do you see her here?”  Actually, that is just my inside voice.

They are pretty cool to.  Like the day an entire 3rd grade class took pity as we banded together to help Mrs. Substitute Teacher figure out the smart board.  Or in kindergarten someone usually throws you a bone and declares their feelings of utter joy that you are their teacher that day with a big gluey hug.   Weelll, just as long as I don’t screw up their schedule.

Today I took my life in my own hands and ventured into a complete new substitute teacher category…Pre-School.  They may look cute enough.  But they are the toughest of the tough.  I stood with a big, pre-school teacher smile, complete with sweet, peppy voice when one-by-one, I was greeted with, “Who are YOU?”  And their voice was not so sweet.  I was banished from “center” after “center” as I tried to find my place.  I was not wanted in the “kitchen”.  For the tea party I was admonished when I tried to “enjoy” my plastic cookie.  “It’s not time to eat yet, I’ll call you when it is.”

On I go to the lego table where I am flat-out told that “no, he did NOT like what I built.  And ripped it from my hands to show me the right way to do it.  I didn’t tell him, nobody likes a know it all!

Then I move to the sensory table.  Those kiddos were mesmerized by the corn meal flowing through their fingers…they didn’t even pay me the time of day!  I had had enough rejection, I moved on.

You want to know what you DON’T KNOW, go to pre-school.  For instance, I was so excited when the felt board was pulled out.  I remember thinking those were the BEST.  I did not hesitate to jump right in with Little “Joe” for some bonding and felt snowman making.  This was my place, I’ll be welcomed here!  I thought…WRONG.  Turns out, according to “Joe”  I actually stink at making felt snowman, and mine were immediately discarded.  Just because he made a felt snowman gerbil, he thought he was all that.

I felt badly though.  Turns out this snowman gerbil was made to pay homage to his Dear Departed gerbil who had moved on to a better place.  “I’m sorry”, I said, when he shared this sad tale with me.  “That’s okay, it wasn’t YOUR fault.”  Thanks, kid.

Snack time…NOW we’re talking.  I could pass that subject any time, any day, any grade.  WRONG…so excited that I received a personal invite to sit with the girls.  I happily pull out my orange.  “That’s your snack?”, they said, noses curled.  WOW!  I want my Mommy!

The best part of Substitute Teaching in a school with a crucifix in every room.  Instant behavior modification.  Just look at the kid, point at the cross and stick out your lower lip and declare, “would HE want you to behave this way.”  So, I guess, the biggest lesson I have learned…if you can’t beat em, join em….EXTRA RECESS?…anyone?anyone?

In the meantime, I will just press my cape.

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