Tag Archives: funny moms

Friday Fun – Problem is…

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It’s that time again, Friday Four Fill-In Fun with Hilary at Feeling Beachie…to add to the fun, I get to be the co-host this week.  I’ve always wanted to be a co-host, like being Kelley Rippa or Hoda.  Problem…don’t know if Hilary wants to be Regis or Kathie Lee.  Another problem, Regis isn’t even around now so technically SHE  would be Kelley Rippa and I would be Michael Strayhan.  Further problem…I’m a LOT shorter than Michael and I spent a great deal of time being big and pregnant with braces so as NOT to have a gap in my teeth.  What do I have to show for it…NOTHING!!!  Weeellll…my teeth don’t look so bad, but fame and fortune have, as of yet, have been elusive.

And the REALLY, REALLY Big Problem…you get what you pay for!!!  See, I went for the budget version of blogging and I cannot get “linked-up”.  It feels like a childhood nightmare come true.  An adult blogging version of I went to school naked or didn’t study for a test, or slept through finals.

Being as I HAVE experienced much greater problems than this, I am trying to keep perspective, but feel a little like the nightmare where I am screaming and NO ONE can hear me.  Which is pretty true, since I am visibly stressed out and The Brothers have the nerve to still expect dinner.  I’m also pretty sure, teacher’s won’t buy “Mommy couldn’t get linked up” for a home-work excuse.

And for more fun…Johnny has McDonald’s on the brain and is repeatedly asking for a cheeseburger and shake.  And when I say REPEATEDLY that is a gross understatement.  Nothing says persistent like some slight (ha-ha) autism and a little OCD.  YAY me!

Anywhoooo…despite my technical difficulties, I am excited to have my first Co-Hosting gig, Thanks, Hilary.

This week’s statements:
1. I was probably the only kid in the world who ____
2. ____ is my favorite juice
3. I never thought I would____until I___
4. I have always wanted to_____ but_____

What I think…
1. I was probably the only kid in the world who hated arts and crafts, probably why I have a bin of half-finished crochet projects.
2.  Pink Grapefruit is my favorite juice
3. I never thought I would scream and swear at people until I became Madeline’s Mom and it became necessary.
4. I have always wanted to go to Paris but have yet to ever leave the country.  I know, what kind of Military Spouse am I?

Well, there you have it!  Thank you for listening to my problems, since I can’t get to Happy Hour to tell my Bartender.  Happy Friday!  Have a Drink on Me!

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What you said, Justin…

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Johnny P’s Mom….Bringing Sexy Back!

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Krispy Kreme Memories

Behind every Crazy Mom wondering how they got that way is a friend, at the ready, to remind you exactly how you got that way. 

Let me back track.  I love to write this blog.  It entertains and comforts me to have my place to say what is on my heart and mind…or not.  Today was an or not kind of day.  I woke up with a familiar anxiety which tells me I need to write.  But alas the cold front hit my brain and I was out of ideas…until I got one.

Sue to the rescue…not the first time.

I asked for readers to throw out writing prompts.  Anything they might like to know or read.  I promised fame in the blogosphere.  Being one for glamour and the spotlight, Sue chimed in.  “What about your crazy pregnancy stories, you know the one… my favorite.”  Which lead to an exchange to determine which story she was referring to because sadly…there are many.  But I had that ol gut feeling that she would let me run but not hide from my infamous morning at Krispy Kreme.  So for you, My Dear Friend, I shall tell the Chronicals of Krispy Kreme…

The year was 2003 and I was pregnant… again.  The Big Brother was 3, Johnny was 18 months old and I was about 7 or 8 months pregnant with The Little Brother.  To add to the excitement, The Captain was deployed to Iraq, the War had just started and we had no date for any homecoming.

Oh and I was trying to potty train The Big Brother.  I reeeaaalllly needed him to go to pre-school and he needed to be potty trained.  Let’s just say The Big Brother was NOT on-board.

Because all of that wasn’t enough fun I had developed some crazy reverse morning sickness.  So I spent April and May yaking around the clock and sipping purple gatorade.  I think The Little Brother still has a purple tinge to him.

You could say I was beginning to come unglued or I had just driven my train into crazy town.  I’m sure my friends will clarify.

Military life being what it is, my friends rallied around me and I carried on, purple gatorade and all.

During that time our only hope was Playgroup.  This got us out of the house.  It gave the Boys other faces to look at and me the opportunity to use sentences with more than two words.  It also gave Sue an opportunity to invite me over to her house.  I lived for those invitations.  Okay…I’ll admit I mostly invited myself.

Anywhoooo…this particular morning our Playgroup was going on a field trip…to Krispy Kreme.  The kiddos were going to get a tour and see how they make the donuts.  All very exciting stuff.

I was supposed to be there at 10 a.m.  I lived minutes away.  If only I could get in my car.    In trying to get there I had just a few problems… I couldn’t stop throwing up, The Big Brother would only pee-on the floor-after he got off the potty and Johnny didn’t walk yet and was screaming in the pack and play.  I believe I might have been shedding a few tears as well.

All I could think….I’m going to be late, I’m going to be late, we’re going to MISS EVERYTHING!  Finally, I am able to unwrap my arms from the toilet, put some dry pants on The Big Brother, calm down Johnny and we are off.

Like a Mommy on a Mission minutes later I arrive at Krispy Kreme.  Only problem, I am about 20 minutes too late.  Nerves completely frayed and sanity long gone, I enter and am greeted by Sue who asks, “Hey Ame, where ya been, ya missed everything?”  Let’s just say, I can take a lot–two toddlers, pregnant, throwing up, husband at war — but that was the perverbial straw that broke me.  My Boys MISSED the donut tour.  What kind of a Mommy takes that kind of information without emotion?  Certainly not me.

So, I did the next natural thing…I stood in the middle of Krispy Kreme, 8 months pregnant screaming and sobbing uncontrollably, “I COULDN’T GET OUT OF THE F###IN HOUSE!!!!!!!”  AND NOW MY BOYS MISSED THE TOUR, THE DONUTS, AND EVERYTHING.”  Except I was in such a state it took an interpreter (and two good friends) to understand.   Weeeelll, I think the “F” word came out pretty clear.

I then proceeded to have a good ol cry and complete melt down in the middle of Krispy Kreme.  That, Dear Reader, is how Krispy Kreme became an adjective.  A perfect, concise term that describes all those moments when I can’t take it any more and all my hinges pop at once.  They are my Krispy Kreme moments, days and weeks.  Thank to  Sue, I now have this mug for all of those times…

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Nothing, and I mean nothing, says crazy quite like a Big Crying, Cursing Pregnant Lady in a Krispy Kreme.  Or as Sue said, as she laughed, “trust me, someday you are going to laugh about  how crazy you look.”

Well, Sue, I guess the day has come finally come…

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Naked truth – Friday Fun

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It’s Friday!!  And you know what that means?  Well, for some of you free and easy types it might mean HAPPY HOUR!  For me, weeellll, it’s kind of just an extension of M,T,W and Thurs, except I don’t have to do the homework drill and I rarely cook.  Also, there is usually several back to back episodes of Lock-Up, so I got that going for me.

I did officially work today I subbed in second grade (more on that another time, stay tuned.).  So, I guess that entitles me to a little bit of the vino.  Or after teaching the phrase, “Clothe the Naked.”   A lot of vino.  Like I said last week, I don’t have a wimpy bone in my body.  That lesson proved it.

My point, really, is that today is Four Friday Fill In Fun  with Hilary at Feeling Beachie.  I had an epiphany while I was subbing today (and playing Hangman) and my mind was wondering (it does that) that this is a little like HangMan for Bloggers.  I’m in!

This week’s statements:

1. When I __ I ___
2. It is pretty funny that ____
3. It may be strange but ___
4. How ______ made me ______.

Where do I begin?

1.  When I substitute teach, I always learn what NOT to do.  For example, and trust me on this, NEVER, ever, ever, ask a class a question that contains the word NAKED.  Trust me, just don’t.

2.  It is pretty funny that I when I was in 20’s, I couldn’t do a push up or run more than a mile.  Now I’m, let’s just say about double that and I can do push-ups and run 13 miles.

3.  It may be strange but I put my ice cream in the microwave before I eat it.  And I prefer to eat ice-cream alone.

4.  How I passive aggressive The Big Brother’s second grade teacher was to him made me a better teacher.  I always try to remember, “you may be making me crazy, but you are SOMEBODIES baby.”  I try to always respect that.

Number three makes me sound crazy but if you saw, you would prefer I eat ice cream alone to.

Happy Friday.  Have a drink on me!

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To The Left

To the Left

Semi Wordless Wednesday…A LITTLE TO THE LEFT JOHNNY, A LITTLE TO THE LEFT…

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Bethlehem, VA? The untold story – In rear view

Made it through the Holidays.  Partly in a fog with an elephant sitting on my heart. The business of grief is a tough one.  You work long hours without a break and the Holidays just add a lot of “work” to the day.   But…with the help of amazing friends I was not committed.  More on that at another time.

Six days into the New Year and I realized that in the anxiety ridden fog about the Holidays, leading up to the fog of the Holidays, it came to me that I was not as in tune with what The Brother’s were doing.  Oh, don’t get me wrong…they weren’t quiet or anything…I was just half-awake.  Now I am AWAKE and I realize I might have missed about 100 pages of blogging adventures because they have been very busy in the last weekend writing this blog for me.  I will try to adjust my rear view and give you, Dear Reader, the highlights.

Here goes:  In no particular order…

Johnny asked me this weekend why I write a blog about him.  I told him because he was an interesting subject.  Might I add this conversation took place while he was parading around proudly in his new Batman costume.  Oh, was his response.

The following day, he asked me if I could become a surgeon.  For a moment I thought to be flattered.  WOW!!!!  Johnny thinks his mommy is that smart and YOUNG!  Never one to inflate your ego, Johnny cut to the chase.  “I want you to be a surgeon so you can operate and give me Bat Wings and a tail.”  Um, why don’t we just go MAKE you a costume.  A lot less unnecessary cutting involved.  Oh, was his response.

Speaking of New Years Resolutions…because I was going to…I was attempting to make some as Johnny’s Mom.  I fear that I have been sleeping on the job and perhaps Johnny needs a little pointing in the general direction I would like to see him go.  You guessed it…because I like to make my own kind of crazy.  I seem to enjoy being a busy body repairman.  You know, I show up to fix things that  ARE NOT broken and then plant my face in my hands cause you know what you get when you do what you’ve always done?  That’s right, what you’ve always got.

However, let’s not forget, I AM NOT A QUITTER!  So on I continue to repair Johnny.

Resolution:  We must return to religion class.  As you might recall last school year Johnny attended religion/CCD classes.  It was informative and entertaining for all.  Well…maybe not for all.  It is very difficult to teach about God and Jesus (who are not seen) to a child who only deals in what can be seen and touched (unless you are Santa Claus).  But it is important to me so we tried.  We have not made it back this school year but will be re-enrolling ASAP.  This resolution due to recent events

Friday evening, The Brothers had an Epiphany Pageant.  This meant a lot of people crowded into the church with lots of singing, trumpets, etc.  NOT Johnny’s preferred outing, EVER!!!  Where two or more are gathered, Johnny is NOT.  So, I thought it best to warn him and give him the usual lecture on  behavior AND the usual bribes.  Johnny doesn’t work for free.

Johnny – What is this thing called again?

Me – The Epiphany Pageant.

Johnny – Oh. (of course).  What’s it about?

WHAT’S IT ABOUT???  Oh Boy, Houston we have a problem (I think).  My boy does not know the Christmas story, so I gently say, “Who was born Christmas day?”

Johnny – Stares blankly.

Me – JESUS, REMEMBER?

Johnny – Oh yeah, right. (read with zero enthusiasm)

Me – (Thinking, I better get to repairing this).  That’s right, Jesus.  And do you know where he was born?  Which of course brought the response of a blank stare.  So I continue with a great sense of purpose…IN BETHLEHEM.  Remember?

Johnny – You guessed it…Oh.

Me – Because I just NEVER know when to quit…AND do you know where in Bethlehem Jesus was born. ( And that is when I knew I asked ONE too many question.)  Proudly he looks and says, “Virginia.”  At least he didn’t say, “in the batcave.”  Now it was my turn and I responded…oh.

Sadly, that wasn’t even the catalyst for my New Years resolution because Johnny and The Brothers never disappoint.

Driving to church on Sunday.  The Brothers are having a discussion about the “Holidays” of the season.  Johnny was talking about KWANZA.  Why?  I HAVE NO IDEA.  In mid-stream he switches gears and tells us Christmas is his favorite anyways.  And I learned my lesson Friday so I didn’t ask.  Although it is obvious why, even to me.

BUT The Little Brother did.  The Little Brother is oblivious to learning lessons.  Not waiting for the answer, Little Brother offers a possible reason that Christmas is the favorite.  And proposes…”Johnny is it because Christmas has the BETTER SPONSOR?  (Silence in the van…please let him say, Jesus)  SANTA CLAUS!!!  Guess him saying Jesus would’ve really been the Christmas miracle.

The Captain and I roll our eyes and open the doors to release our beasts in the church parking lot and out JUMPS JOHNNY bellowing…for NO particular reason…”and there is PARTIAL NUDITY!!”  Dear God, Please let him mean, Baby Jesus….you know, the one from Bethlehem…NOT Virginia.


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Friday Fun

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Just like when I was in school, on Friday you would usually get the opportunity to do something a little on the “fun” side.  The teacher’s way to make you “learn” and you not even know, like good ol’ math games and Spelling Bees.  As I have been researching how to “grow” my blog, the common theme, like in all things, is practice, practice, and MORE practice.  Pretty much my writing is NOT going to improve sitting around watching “Lock-Up” and other attention gripping prison shows.

Not to mention I need a little levity, as I have been doing too much “serious” thinking and which I believe is highly over-rated.  This week has served to confirm that I believe “Ignorance” just might really be bliss.  Works for me.

Luckily, I can mindlessly entertain myself greatly channeling my inner Erma Bombeck so “honing” my writing should not be difficult, right?  As in things, prorastination is not my friend.  Neither is sitting still in my chair.  (My boys come by it honestly.)  So, I was happy to “meet” Hilary from Feeling Beachie and “hook-up” to her blog hop, “Friday Four Fill In Fun.”  Co-hosted by Ali from daughter-in-law diaries .  Check it out, might discover some things that make you go hmmmm.

This week’s statements:
1. Every time I see a ____ I oh an ah…
2. I don’t have a ___ bone in my body
3. I like ___ on my burgers
4. If I had one more hour in the day I would _________

My deep insights:

1.  Every time I see a copy of “Country Living” magazine I oh and ah…. after moving 10 times in the last 16 years I always dream I am going to make a home look like that magazine…..no go, though.

2.  I don’t have a wimpy bone in my body, I’m a pretty tough cookie.

3.  I like cheese, ketchup, mustard, pickle, lettuce, tomatoe, onion on my burgers.

4.  If I had one more hour in the day I would LOSE MY MIND, the 24 I currently have are kicking me in the tail.

That’s about it.  Read, enjoy and play along!

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Blessed Beating?

Always Bless, then BEAT your brother!

Always Bless, then BEAT your brother!

Walked upstairs and found these strategically positioned outside The Brothers’ bedrooms.  Every man for himself………………..

 

Semi-Wordless Wednesday at Feeling Beachie, check it out!

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Sleeping Single?

No way out!

No way out!

Not only the last day of the year, but the LAST Monday of the month, as well.  Not only does this mean New Year’s Resolutions to make to be broken no later than January 2,  but it is also time to reflect on what has been a slice of perfection, for even a split second, in the last month for Perfect Moment Monday with Lori at Write Mind, Open Heart.

Not always easy, especially this month, which has held many challenges.  As I have said before, I believe I have done worn out my boot straps from pulling myself up.  Soooooooo, guess I’ll just have to buy some new ones,  as my Father’s voice continues to echo in my head, “I didn’t raise a whiner, quitter, or complainer.”  Thus my Boot Straps are on over night delivery and expect to be back on my feet……….or boots in the next 24 hours.

But while I’ve been “off of my feet” I got to thinking about what could be considered “my perfect moment” this month.  This brought me to thinking about Brotherly Love.  It seems to be an elusive, intangible bond…………..largely based on the fact that if you have Brotherly Love, you have all rights to trade their toys, eat their favorite cereal, steal their favorite book, blame them for anything missing or broken and  beat the crap out of them and you are still assured you have someone to play video games with the rest of the day.  I guess that’s what makes Brothers “lucky.”  

However, this is not something  I think that Johnny, The Big and The Little Brother are giving much thought.  I do think they enjoy having a “punching bag” though.  It is why I enjoy having a basement door.

Anywhoooooo, as I was saying……………..Brotherly Love, Perfect Moments……………not easy to combine.  But alas, I have………

Our home provides enough space that each Brother could have his own room.  However, it does not work that way.  Birth order having its privileges, The Big Brother does have his own room.  Johnny and The Little Brother, they share.  Why? Weellll, it must be character building, right?

Truth of the matter is, The Brothers are about the only friends Johnny really has.  A nasty side effect of Autism.  It makes me really sad at times but does not seem to rattle Johnny too much.  He is a solo operator.  Another reason it has always been so important for us that The Brothers learn to stick it out and stick together.

Mostly Johnny and The Little Brother get along just fine in their room together.  A little bit like the odd couple but mostly okay.  Except lately.  Lately, there has been some grumbling.  Johnny is a very early riser and not always quiet about it.  Causing The Little Brother to be up as well.  Causing a lot of “arguing” early in the morning.  On the other hand when Johnny is ready to go to sleep, do NOT get in his way.

Soooo, I started to think, maybe it’s time.  Maybe they need their “own space”.  I started to devise a plan for the “break-up” to happen over Christmas break.  Shared my plan with The Captain.  He was not “on board.”  His reasoning, “Johnny spends enough time alone, The Little Brother is his best buddy, I know he’s  9, but Little Brother is going to take one for the team.”

Hmmmm………….guess The Captain needs more convincing.  I was mulling all this over until one night……………………

Bedtime………………….and NOT a peaceful one.  Johnny and The Little Brother are at it.  Pointing fingers and I quote, “You’re annoying, NO YOU’RE annoying…….(get the picture)

Enter Mommy……………KNOCK IT OFF!!!  Johnny, “Mom, he’s annoying make him stop doing those noises.”  Now……..let me just say this never fails to crack me up when Johnny points the finger because he has just a few quirky ways.  Mommy had had it, NOT listening to anymore so I throw up my hands and BELLOW, “That’s it!!!  Johnny, get your things, you can sleep in your own room.  This news stops him in his tracks.  “WHAT?”

Johnny gathers up all things Batman and prepares to move.  “Where to?”  I tell him to Cousin Amber’s Old room.  So, he peaks out the door at the quiet, still room across the hall.  Then he turns and looks at his room.  All is quiet as he contemplates life on “his own.”  Next he looks at me, I continue to stare.  Finally, he speaks…………..”Mom, Can’t you just tell LITTLE BROTHER to stop being ANNOYING.”

Up pipes Little Brother……….”OH YEAH!, YOU’RE ANNOYING!”  In I chime………………Do YOU want to move to your own room?  A look of panic comes across his little face……………………No.

So in true Mommy style I state, with authority, “BOTH OF YOU, STOP BEING ANNOYING AND GO TO SLEEP.”

I turn and exit the room.   As I leave I feel a ping of joy and warm fuzzies………………………..Brotherly Love, True Brotherly Love……………maybe for more than a “moment.”

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All was Right

It is the last “Monday” of the month, and I am joining Lori at Write Mind Open Heart to reflect and share on what is right, maybe even perfect in our world for a moment in time.

No………….it is NOT a typo, you read correctly, it is called Perfect Moment Monday.  Yes……………..I know it is TUESDAY butthought about my perfect moment on Monday………………..if that counts?  However, life got a little in the way on Monday and now, here I am, writing from my own personal time machine.  So, Dear Reader, please humor me and play along.  Please and thank you!

As has been said, “The best things in life aren’t things at all.”  They can’t be bought, wrapped and put under a tree.  At times they appear in what you believe to be the mundane of your life.  Not at all in those moments marketed to be perfect.

Case in point, the child, who shall remain nameless, that looks at disappointment at his gifts on Christmas Morning when he realizes you really meant he was getting that rated M for mature game.   I had already sent my own letter to Santa, was my reply.  Sad child, frustrated parent, not so perfect.

I did not have high expectations of Thanksgiving either.  When you have lost a family member, no matter the age, you struggle through the day to not be filled with grief and longing for your loved one.  This was especially tough since our Precious Madeline’s anniversary is in November and we were struggling so with this 2 year milestone.

However, for her Brothers, we knew we must pull something together and present the makings of a holiday.  Possibly complete with a new tradition.  Shake it up a bit and give all of us something to anticipate.  Something with potential for fun.  So that’s what we did.  With “four” boys in our home who love history, we headed to Gettysburg the day after Thanksgiving.  Excitement abounded……………for The Brothers, as we were going to stay in a hotel WITH a pool.  Not something we do much of so they were pretty happy.

Of course, hotel life and all looks good……………….. on paper.  Actually having The Brothers together in confining quarters is a different story.  Paper………………. not as pretty.  We did get a little front room with a pull out sleeper and t.v., etc.  Best idea Captain Daddy ever had.  Despite our suite,  after the car drive and some museum time, The Brothers weren’t really feeling “Brotherly Love.”  If my ears didn’t deceive me disparaging remarks were flying under their breaths.

Particularly difficult is managing some of Johnny’s autistic behaviors on the road.  Being away can stir up a great deal of anxiety.  And Brother being “good” brothers…………….they don’t always display much sympathy and there is a lot of OMG STOP IT, JUST STOP IT.  (By all concerned)

So where, you may be thinkingwas there any perfect moments in THIS SCENARIO.  Like I said before…………….it came out of nowhere, when I was expecting the fists to start flying I discovered this……………….

Things got quiet, so I walked into the suite (cracks me up to call it that) to see if they had left and what to my astonished eyes did I see?  The Big Brother and Johnny, the MOST unlikely pair, lying side by side on the bed, with their legs touching…..yes, touching………….. and then I noticed their hands.  Their hands were pressed together in that way of comparing and then it happened, their fingers locked together.  What an absolute perfect sight for my sad eyes.  My heart filled to see Big Brother and Johnny sharing this time, albeit brief, when they were at peace and all was right in our little life for that Perfect Moment.

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