Tag Archives: funny

Friday Fun – That’s Entertainment

Not to date myself, but what is that Loverboy use to sing about?  Everybody’s Working for the Weekend?  Yeah, that’s the one.  Get everybody all pumped and ready to rock.  Uuuhhh, I DO NOT talk like this, EVER, but seems like the right attitude for some much-needed Friday Fun!  Plus it makes me sound kind of “hip”.  Alas, I know that not to be true as my Dear Niece was kind enough to point out…the quickest way to know you ARE NOT “hip” is to, in fact, use the word, “hip.”  And since all of the “Adults” I keep company with also spend their days with 5 to 13 year olds, taking groups of 30 parochial school children to Stations of the Cross, we might be working at a “hipster” deficit.  Plus a few such friends were last seen wearing Dr. Seuss hats in honor of the Beloved Author’s birthday, so we  got that going for us…

But the week got off to a Rockin start.  There I was, my head soaring in the clouds, still not down from the excitement of being cast in the 2013 DC – Listen to Your Mother show.  Thinking, THIS IS IT!!  Things are coming around, I can’t believe my luck.  Gonna start a whole new lifestyle, you know red carpets, paparrazi…restaurants that take reservations.  I got so full of this idea I even had a photographer take my picture.  Well, actually, I had to send one in for the “show”and when you are a Mom, you don’t ever really have a picture of yourself.  At least one that won’t scare the general population.

But my point, I actually had somewhat of a photo session.  Yep, fancy lighting, flashing the pearly whites, striking a pose.  Definitely, a new beginning…

AND THEN…IT HAPPENED…REALITY…CRASHING DOWN.

Because just as soon as I finished striking a pose, I had to hurry, put on my practical corduroy’s, and hull myself over to “the school” to do some emergency substitute “teaching” in Kindergarten.  Nothing brings you down to reality faster than getting 30 five-year olds to the bathroom, hands washed, divided into 2 groups, art bags in hand, to go to “art” and “computer.”  Followed by teaching the “horrors” of not taking care on one’s teeth.  Really, it’s a priceless experience.  Especially when you are privy to such tidbits as “Little Billy” telling me he had just had his “privates x-rayed” at the Doctor, and “everything was OK, good job!”  The only thing better was hearing him repeat this to every other adult in the school.  That, Dear Readers is entertainment you can’t get just anywhere.  So, I best not disclose the location, or you will all be beatin down the door, trying to steal my job.  You know you want to.

That fun is only followed by the “how many kids can you fit in an Expedition” game.  At least I had all the “right” kids this time…take note…make sure you have the “right” kids in your car…don’t ask, just trust me on that. “How did a nail get in the tire?” of said Expedition, not such a fun game,   Would have filled you in earlier in the week but had  received a series of e-mails from “The Teacher” that the “The Little Brother” was melting down like a block of ice on a hot summer day at school.  Last seen sobbing his way into  Spanish.  Wonder if Kelly Rippa has days like this?

But it gets more real…the real low light..BANNED… from a 7th grade school function.  Yep, you read correctly, The Big Brother did not want the honor of my presence at the Science Fair.  Turns out I make him nervous.  I respected his wishes and slid in the back door.  Hey, I’m not missing this, I laid low…the Nikon hanging around my neck wasn’t too obvious.  And I never yelled, THAT’S MY BABY BOY…not once.  So, yay me!

To round out my week, I spent Dr. Seuss’s birthday in 3rd grade.  No birthday cake,  to be had, bummer.  But I learned a couple of lessons.  First, NEVER let the last kid in line close the door before you check the lock, cause it is zero fun to be locked out of a room with 30 kids.  And Second, never question why Little Bobby was chasing Little Suzie across the room while throwing her folder…cause you just might start to follow the logic…and that would be frightening.  So carry on, Little Bobby…I saw nothin.

In the meantime, while Little Bobby and Suzie are going about their business, let’s get to the point.  Friday Fun  with Hilary at Feeling Beachie.  Thanks for hosting, Hilary.  I’ll make sure Bobby and Suzy don’t throw things at this here party!

Here is what the party people are wanting to know!

This week’s statements:
1. Sometimes I ___ I am ___
2. When I wear ___ I feel ____
3. When in doubt, _____________
4. The easiest way to ______________ is to ___________.

My answers to the party people:

1.  Sometimes I am shocked to look up and find that I am NOT being followed by candid camera. (yeah, that dates me!)

2.  When I wear practical corduroy I feel sure that modeling contract is pretty much NEVER going to happen.

3.  When in doubt, wear corduroy.

4.  The easiest way to get your head out of the clouds is to have reality hit you on top of it.

Besides, who needs Red Carpets when you got Substitute Teaching…Now THAT’S Entertainment, right there!  Happy Friday…Have a drink on me and may your corduroy be snappy and shoes not too sensible.

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Friday Fun – Let the Good Times Roll

Hilary at Feeling Beachie says it is time for some Friday Fun!  I’m in.  I’m all about the good time.   After you read, I’m sure you will agree.

Just today I had more fun than one individual should be allowed by law.  In fact, when word of my day spreads, I’m sure there will be an investigation.  You can’t go willy-nilly  living your life in such a wildin your face manner without expecting to pay the piper.  I mean, what would become of society.  We’re already in a world of hurt, state of utter mayhem, so please, after you read, keep it under wraps…please?  And thank you.

Okay, okay, I’ll stop baiting you and just get on with it.  I’m sorry I cannot give out my personal information such as address and phone numbers so you could come cavorting but like I said, we don’t need any authorities involved.  Okay, enough teasing…here goes.  Hold on to your hat!

Well, TWICE, yes I said TWICE this week I was the substitute librarian at the school.  I got to use the cool checker inner thingy.  LOVE that thing!  And I got to read to little people.  I even got a round of applause.  Yay me!  Not too bad, if I do say so myself.  They loved my dramatic interpretation of “Arthur’s Big Valentine”.    Eat your heart out, Shakespeare!

So today, with Johnny in tow, I make my grand entrance into the school.  All ready to use the checker inner thingy, sip some coffee, practice the Dewey Decimal System,  then make a dash and get Johnny to his school.  Like I said, too much fun, is just that…too much.  And just as I expected the authorities got all involved.  Yep, that’s right…The Vice Principal.  Not the total Big Guns, but big enough to know the party was over.  Cause she was waiting to inform me, that NO, I was not going to sip coffee and recite the Dewey Decimal System.  And forget about the checker inner thingy.

She told me to pack it up, cause, I was going to… say it isn’t so… to TEACH MIDDLE SCHOOL GRAMMAR.  Like I was tolding you say it ain’t so!  Just like that, without warning, I was sacrificed to the Middle School Wing where all I could see for miles (well, maybe feet) were a whole lot of kids a whole lot taller than ME!

That’s okay, though, I walk small but carry a mean stick.

And after a short time it was pretty clear that not much has changed in the Middle School classroom since I was on the other side of the desk, a few too many years ago to mention.  Yep, the game, pull one over on the sub is still alive and well.

Problem for them, I KNOW ALL THEIR NAMES.  My kid is in their class and  I know their parents phone numbers!  So, WHY, would they think I would not notice if they all sat in a different seat.  I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed but I can read a seating chart!  Geesh, some credit please!  Or like I told them…and I thought you were smart kids.

Oh yeah, and kids, if what you claimed were the teachers rules, NOBODY would hate Middle School…EVER!  Despite the social torture… with that kind of resort classroom environment, everyone would be so darn happy, having so much fun, there wouldn’t be time to mentally torture your peers!

Heck, maybe I would have even liked Middle School and even my Dear ol Dad said he never wanted me back in Middle School.  Guess I was just that delightful.  But I digress…

And another piece of exciting news…again…don’t tell the fun police…IT’S OFFICIAL… After today, I have officially subbed in every grade in the school.  From pre-school to 8th grade.  Now that’s a solid resume, right there.  But, alas, you know what they say, Jack of all trades, master of none.  Guess the party’s over.

But not until I get to the Four Friday Fill In…

This week’s statements:
1. Sometimes I _____ that is why______
2. All I ___________ for ______________ is ____________.
3. I _____________ therefore ____________.
4. McDonalds’ is _______________ and ______________.

What I have to say about all of this fun

1.  Sometimes I can’t get enough of a good time that is why I substitute teach.

2.  All I ever wanted for myself is to enjoy what I do all day.

3.  I am a twisted individual therefore I have a twisted idea of what is an enjoyable day.

4.  McDonalds’ is a perfect example of a horrible meal and I am in their drive thru on a regular basis.  Not proud, it’s just the facts.  And remember, I said I’m all about a good time.

So, with that in mind…HAVE A DRINK ON ME and LET THE GOOD TIME’S ROLL!  McDonald’s diet cokes for everyone!!!!

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Cause I’m YOUR Mom…

...AND I SAID SO!

…AND I SAID SO!

Monday, Monday, Monday…What have you done for me lately? Except for that familiar feeling of screws being tightened really, really tight on either side of my head, I would have to say…NOTHING! But in all fairness, I don’t know who can claim the clamp on the screws, Monday or The Brothers.   They all are excellent handymen!  Very adept with the ol’ screwdriver, that’s for sure!

Depends on the Monday and which Brother, I suppose. Since everything is supposed to be all equal and no one EVER feeling left out I BLAME ALL OF THEM!!!! Cause that’s the kind of stand up Mom I am.

The screw began to turn slightly last night when Little Brother, wouldn’t stop his Irish jig and dropped my Kindle Fire HD on the ceramic tile…not a good combo;

Big Brother took his turn on the screws with the Science Fair project that won’t go away and Oh by the way, apparently points are deducted if you do ANYTHING other than the day before. Guess he’ll have an A Plus.

We’ll have plenty of time to discuss as he burns the midnight oil studying for a test he discovered at 9:00 p.m.  Guess penalties also apply for any early test preparation.  He’s really adding up some extra credit in the last minute, fly by the seat of my pants, make my mother scream category…I think that should be added to the grade card…then my boy can be creme de la creme.  Oh and Big Brother, thanks for that, that one screw was getting a little lose, so the tighter the better, I say.

And then there’s my Johnny, what would we do without my Johnny..I might just have to say he gave those screws on final, really tight go. Because we just can’t stay away…there we were… RELIGION Class!!!

I guess Johnny got wind of today’s events at the Vatican, because he tried to jump on the Pope’s Bandwagon to announce…”I want out of this program…I don’t think it’s my thing.”

Yeah, well, I DO…cause I didn’t schlepp you and your brothers to Mass every Sunday for nothing.  And I don’t really care what the Pope’s Mommy let him do, but as for me,  I still got some sacraments coming my way. So guess, what, Johnny? The Pope… he may be getting out, but YOU?…YOU’RE NOT!!!!

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Friday Fun – At the Disco

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“I got the Boogie Fever…I think it’s goin around…”  That’s right, Dear Readers, it’s time for Friday Fun with Hilary at Feeling Beachie.  And this week I am all about a good time!  Wouldn’t you be?  I mean I’m the Dancing Queen and I’m gonna Shake my Groove Thing, and sing Stayin Alive at the top of my lungs!  Because I am GOING TO THE DISCO!  Yep, say it isn’t so, but the school is having a Disco Dance.  Can’t wait to bust a move.  Just wish I had some GoGo boots…or am I getting my genre confused?

This could be a money making venture, as well.  I wonder what it’s worth to The Big Brother for me to keep my Dancing Moves secret?  The Little Brother has no pride, he won’t care what move I bust, just as long as I let him fill himself with large amounts of sprite.

Johnny…he’s pretty much staging a protest.  “Nobody likes Disco.”  He’ll be the hit of the party.

Well, must get to the point if we are going to find a good spot on the Dance Floor.  I need lots of room!

So, here are the Four questions you have been anxiously awaiting my answers to.

This week’s statements:
1. When I am on the phone I have to ____
2. I have a ____
3. I started blogging to ________
4. My worst habit is _______

Survey says…

1.  When I am on the phone I have to pace around the house, I have a slight problem sitting still.  Lucky for The Little Brother, he seems to have inherited that little habit.

2.  I have a date to the Disco but NO GoGo Boots.  I will just have to dazzle with technique!

3.  I started blogging to share my adventures in autism and tell the story of my Sweet Madeline.

4.  My worst habit is I don’t know when to say when.  Maybe it would help if I would just sit still and think about it.

But no time to sit, I’m off to the Disco!  Happy Friday!  Have a drink on me.  Diet coke only at this party.  And remember, always but always SHAKE YOUR GROOVE THING!

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Friday Fun – Problem is…

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It’s that time again, Friday Four Fill-In Fun with Hilary at Feeling Beachie…to add to the fun, I get to be the co-host this week.  I’ve always wanted to be a co-host, like being Kelley Rippa or Hoda.  Problem…don’t know if Hilary wants to be Regis or Kathie Lee.  Another problem, Regis isn’t even around now so technically SHE  would be Kelley Rippa and I would be Michael Strayhan.  Further problem…I’m a LOT shorter than Michael and I spent a great deal of time being big and pregnant with braces so as NOT to have a gap in my teeth.  What do I have to show for it…NOTHING!!!  Weeellll…my teeth don’t look so bad, but fame and fortune have, as of yet, have been elusive.

And the REALLY, REALLY Big Problem…you get what you pay for!!!  See, I went for the budget version of blogging and I cannot get “linked-up”.  It feels like a childhood nightmare come true.  An adult blogging version of I went to school naked or didn’t study for a test, or slept through finals.

Being as I HAVE experienced much greater problems than this, I am trying to keep perspective, but feel a little like the nightmare where I am screaming and NO ONE can hear me.  Which is pretty true, since I am visibly stressed out and The Brothers have the nerve to still expect dinner.  I’m also pretty sure, teacher’s won’t buy “Mommy couldn’t get linked up” for a home-work excuse.

And for more fun…Johnny has McDonald’s on the brain and is repeatedly asking for a cheeseburger and shake.  And when I say REPEATEDLY that is a gross understatement.  Nothing says persistent like some slight (ha-ha) autism and a little OCD.  YAY me!

Anywhoooo…despite my technical difficulties, I am excited to have my first Co-Hosting gig, Thanks, Hilary.

This week’s statements:
1. I was probably the only kid in the world who ____
2. ____ is my favorite juice
3. I never thought I would____until I___
4. I have always wanted to_____ but_____

What I think…
1. I was probably the only kid in the world who hated arts and crafts, probably why I have a bin of half-finished crochet projects.
2.  Pink Grapefruit is my favorite juice
3. I never thought I would scream and swear at people until I became Madeline’s Mom and it became necessary.
4. I have always wanted to go to Paris but have yet to ever leave the country.  I know, what kind of Military Spouse am I?

Well, there you have it!  Thank you for listening to my problems, since I can’t get to Happy Hour to tell my Bartender.  Happy Friday!  Have a Drink on Me!

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Krispy Kreme Memories

Behind every Crazy Mom wondering how they got that way is a friend, at the ready, to remind you exactly how you got that way. 

Let me back track.  I love to write this blog.  It entertains and comforts me to have my place to say what is on my heart and mind…or not.  Today was an or not kind of day.  I woke up with a familiar anxiety which tells me I need to write.  But alas the cold front hit my brain and I was out of ideas…until I got one.

Sue to the rescue…not the first time.

I asked for readers to throw out writing prompts.  Anything they might like to know or read.  I promised fame in the blogosphere.  Being one for glamour and the spotlight, Sue chimed in.  “What about your crazy pregnancy stories, you know the one… my favorite.”  Which lead to an exchange to determine which story she was referring to because sadly…there are many.  But I had that ol gut feeling that she would let me run but not hide from my infamous morning at Krispy Kreme.  So for you, My Dear Friend, I shall tell the Chronicals of Krispy Kreme…

The year was 2003 and I was pregnant… again.  The Big Brother was 3, Johnny was 18 months old and I was about 7 or 8 months pregnant with The Little Brother.  To add to the excitement, The Captain was deployed to Iraq, the War had just started and we had no date for any homecoming.

Oh and I was trying to potty train The Big Brother.  I reeeaaalllly needed him to go to pre-school and he needed to be potty trained.  Let’s just say The Big Brother was NOT on-board.

Because all of that wasn’t enough fun I had developed some crazy reverse morning sickness.  So I spent April and May yaking around the clock and sipping purple gatorade.  I think The Little Brother still has a purple tinge to him.

You could say I was beginning to come unglued or I had just driven my train into crazy town.  I’m sure my friends will clarify.

Military life being what it is, my friends rallied around me and I carried on, purple gatorade and all.

During that time our only hope was Playgroup.  This got us out of the house.  It gave the Boys other faces to look at and me the opportunity to use sentences with more than two words.  It also gave Sue an opportunity to invite me over to her house.  I lived for those invitations.  Okay…I’ll admit I mostly invited myself.

Anywhoooo…this particular morning our Playgroup was going on a field trip…to Krispy Kreme.  The kiddos were going to get a tour and see how they make the donuts.  All very exciting stuff.

I was supposed to be there at 10 a.m.  I lived minutes away.  If only I could get in my car.    In trying to get there I had just a few problems… I couldn’t stop throwing up, The Big Brother would only pee-on the floor-after he got off the potty and Johnny didn’t walk yet and was screaming in the pack and play.  I believe I might have been shedding a few tears as well.

All I could think….I’m going to be late, I’m going to be late, we’re going to MISS EVERYTHING!  Finally, I am able to unwrap my arms from the toilet, put some dry pants on The Big Brother, calm down Johnny and we are off.

Like a Mommy on a Mission minutes later I arrive at Krispy Kreme.  Only problem, I am about 20 minutes too late.  Nerves completely frayed and sanity long gone, I enter and am greeted by Sue who asks, “Hey Ame, where ya been, ya missed everything?”  Let’s just say, I can take a lot–two toddlers, pregnant, throwing up, husband at war — but that was the perverbial straw that broke me.  My Boys MISSED the donut tour.  What kind of a Mommy takes that kind of information without emotion?  Certainly not me.

So, I did the next natural thing…I stood in the middle of Krispy Kreme, 8 months pregnant screaming and sobbing uncontrollably, “I COULDN’T GET OUT OF THE F###IN HOUSE!!!!!!!”  AND NOW MY BOYS MISSED THE TOUR, THE DONUTS, AND EVERYTHING.”  Except I was in such a state it took an interpreter (and two good friends) to understand.   Weeeelll, I think the “F” word came out pretty clear.

I then proceeded to have a good ol cry and complete melt down in the middle of Krispy Kreme.  That, Dear Reader, is how Krispy Kreme became an adjective.  A perfect, concise term that describes all those moments when I can’t take it any more and all my hinges pop at once.  They are my Krispy Kreme moments, days and weeks.  Thank to  Sue, I now have this mug for all of those times…

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Nothing, and I mean nothing, says crazy quite like a Big Crying, Cursing Pregnant Lady in a Krispy Kreme.  Or as Sue said, as she laughed, “trust me, someday you are going to laugh about  how crazy you look.”

Well, Sue, I guess the day has come finally come…

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Friday Fun with Farmer Brown

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Yay!!!  It’s Friday!  And contrary to what might be popular belief, we Stay at Home Moms, look forward to Friday like everyone else who is terribly underpaid for their service to others.  Except, unlike other workers, I am lucky…I receive sticky, smelly hugs, gluey art and a kiss (if I bribe them) from the Little Men who I work for.  In other work environments, I realize that is a lawsuit waiting to happen.  Guess that’s the benefit of my work.  The boys I work for would never sue, they know that they have traumatized  and inflicted more emotional pain and suffering, than the other way around.  Unless you, of course, consider the meatloaf I made for dinner last night.

For example, just in the last week, I have been informed by The Big Brother that he thinks the FBI is going to come and “get us”…why?  Weeellll, that’s what “the virus” on the computer told him when the warning came up about “downloading” let’s just say…inappropriate material.  Which lead to a very uncomfortable conversation about the “P” word, ends in… ography.  Having to have this discussion with Johnny is worth a couple of million in damages alone.

That fun event was only to be followed up by the Little Brother bringing smut into our Catholic home.  Yep…you guessed it…say it isn’t so…The Little Brother was busted reading, The Old Farmer’s Almanac.  Which, I (and “The Teacher” learned the hard way, IS NOT your Granpa’s Almanac.  Or maybe it is, and Ol’ Granpa had a Wild Side.  Because along with the weather report, The  Little Brother was able to learn about “improving life in the bedroom”  and certain “enhancing” pharmaceuticals.  Oh yeah, he could also order an Asian Bride.  And I will swear on a Bible that I did NOT make one word of this up.  I would bring out my witnesses but I promised to protect their identity.  She’s at Confession right now, anyway.

So…I think I can safely say…Bring on the Weekend!  Before I go though, it is time for Fun Friday Fill In with Hilary at Feeling Beachie.

This week’s statements:
1. I am a ____
2. Sometimes I don’t know when to ____
1. My two favorite words lately are ___________ and ____________
2. I would like ____________ if ____________ didn’t happen

Where do I begin?

1.  I am a very loyal person and friend.  I get very attached to those who have held me up during these last two years.

2.  Sometimes I don’t know when to say when.  This would be possibly why I have Three Boys and walk around like the house is on fire.

3.  My two favorite words lately are irritated and Almanac (come on, you saw that coming.)

4.  I would like to know what life would be like if my days didn’t happen to be a series of “Unfortunate Events” involving Farmers and the FBI.

That’s about it.  Have a drink on me and raise a toast to my “sanity.”  In the meantime I headed to  a local book burning of that Darned Almanac.

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Darn the Luck

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Semi-Wordless Wednesday — My “Lucky” Bamboo Plant — Explains a lot.

 

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Naked truth – Friday Fun

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It’s Friday!!  And you know what that means?  Well, for some of you free and easy types it might mean HAPPY HOUR!  For me, weeellll, it’s kind of just an extension of M,T,W and Thurs, except I don’t have to do the homework drill and I rarely cook.  Also, there is usually several back to back episodes of Lock-Up, so I got that going for me.

I did officially work today I subbed in second grade (more on that another time, stay tuned.).  So, I guess that entitles me to a little bit of the vino.  Or after teaching the phrase, “Clothe the Naked.”   A lot of vino.  Like I said last week, I don’t have a wimpy bone in my body.  That lesson proved it.

My point, really, is that today is Four Friday Fill In Fun  with Hilary at Feeling Beachie.  I had an epiphany while I was subbing today (and playing Hangman) and my mind was wondering (it does that) that this is a little like HangMan for Bloggers.  I’m in!

This week’s statements:

1. When I __ I ___
2. It is pretty funny that ____
3. It may be strange but ___
4. How ______ made me ______.

Where do I begin?

1.  When I substitute teach, I always learn what NOT to do.  For example, and trust me on this, NEVER, ever, ever, ask a class a question that contains the word NAKED.  Trust me, just don’t.

2.  It is pretty funny that I when I was in 20’s, I couldn’t do a push up or run more than a mile.  Now I’m, let’s just say about double that and I can do push-ups and run 13 miles.

3.  It may be strange but I put my ice cream in the microwave before I eat it.  And I prefer to eat ice-cream alone.

4.  How I passive aggressive The Big Brother’s second grade teacher was to him made me a better teacher.  I always try to remember, “you may be making me crazy, but you are SOMEBODIES baby.”  I try to always respect that.

Number three makes me sound crazy but if you saw, you would prefer I eat ice cream alone to.

Happy Friday.  Have a drink on me!

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